Inadequacy

If there's one thing I'm realizing over all else, it's how horribly inadequate I, and the rest of the human race, am. What do I mean? Well, the thing about community is although they are there for you when you need them (a bonus), they also see more of you than you might want them to see (might be scary for some). I'm not terribly good at hiding from others, I much prefer people to be authentic, and, as Donald Miller says (and I'm removing the concept from its context, but the concept holds true) that if you desire something you must first live it.

Meaning: if I want my friends to be authentic I must live authentically.

Yesterday I found myself trapped in the middle of a relationship break up. I didn't realize it would be happening, otherwise I may have left before it happened. But, there I am, somewhat unwillingly. I find myself bouncing back and forth between two of my good friends, both (not) coping in their own way, trying to comfort them. If you know me, you know I care A LOT about others. I am working on being okay with silence, not rescuing tension, and letting others stew, but even my few, well-spaced "are you okays" were too much for the male in this broken relationship. After being accused of smothering him (which he perceived me to be doing, so I should have eased up), staring at him, and other things that I'm pretty sure were not so true, I tried to explain myself and wound up making it worse and he was now angry with me, which caused me to get angry (read:hurt), and go sit outside (I am Irish, everyone, tempers are very prevalent, so I removed myself from the situation).

After a few minutes my friend came outside and sat down with me, held me, and we talked.

Honest, heart to heart conversation about how I had made him feel and how I was really, honestly trying.. but obviously missing.

And his response to me was full of all the grace I never expect from people when I've made a mistake.

And he was feeling the same way; Discouraged because all of our best efforts are never good enough. Perfection, despite our best efforts, is something that forever eludes us in this life. And because our best, well-intentioned efforts can still cause destruction, we feel inadequate. I know there are days where I feel like everything I touch will just fall to pieces. A far cry from the midas touch someone once told me I seem to have!

As we prayed for and with each other I began to see that here I was, my inadequacies laying bare, and I hadn't repulsed my friend. He hadn't recommended me for counseling, or told me I was overbearing, he simply said that he knew I meant good by what I did and knew that I was learning still.

It's a good feeling to be authentic and know that I inadequate and still loved and worthy of love.

-Asher