Commitment: A Current Struggle

I've never really been one to struggle much with commitment. I suppose that's because I based my worth and acceptance on others' high opinions of me; the, "WOW, she sure is capable, amazing, fantastic, talented... and man, I want her red hair!" type thing. Driven to success in order to hide, with the high praise of others, my darkness lurked just an inch, maybe two, below the surface. But I've come to realize that true self-comfort cannot be found in any position, thing, or praise.

I finally got my mac yesterday. It's quite the piece of work, folks. I have a remote control that operates my laptop. And as excessive as it sounds (and I'll admit, it is a bit excessive), it's standard and kind of cool. As I awaited the arrival of this small wonder, I remember thinking one night, "Yeah, this will be good tool and nice to have, but it's not going to make me a better person; it's not going to improve my imperfections or quiet my self-loathing, if I hide behind a fancy new toy, I will cheapen my journey's work." It's not that I intentionally ordered a laptop thinking that I would somehow be a better person with a better life, but how often do we do such things? We buy things, do things, say things, etc., because we are desperate to not be who we are... because who we are, someone told us, isn't good enough.

But the things, positions, and praises don't quiet the nagging, gnawing, fearful feeling, do they? After the luster of this thing wears off, there we are, still who we are, still as needy and incomplete as we were before we grappled ahold of our mask, be it your job, my laptop, or her adoring friends.

And as I've entered into this truth, the truth that my inadequaces are what drive me to God, Yahweh the promise keeper, who loves me ardently in my imperfections and wounds, my darkness no longer scares me into hiding like it once did. As horrible as this may sound to graceless ears, I have spent immeasurable amounts of time seeking to do the thing that would validate my worth to the greatest number of people. And now, apart from the captive drive for acceptance and validation, I find myself alone in the quietness of a day, compelled to do nothing but be with myself and the God who formed me.

And struggling to be committed. Since I no longer need much of what I was committed to in order to hide behind and recieve pats on the back, I have no need to push forward tirelessly, except for a Reason beyond myself. Such a change does not come without consequence. I have very few "friends" now; just a couple kindered spirits that I hold very dear, and I find myself saying "no" or declining quite a bit, which is part of the reason my friendship circle has dwindled down to my faithful and loving "family." And I am searching, looking for somewhere to serve, some ministry or service that, from the core of who they are, seeks "realness."

I'm a bit more picky now and looking for something worth a commitment of love.

Asher