Warfare

Though I consider 8th grade the year I became a Christian, my introduction to the Jesus faith was as a young child when my grandmother would take me to Church.  As my interest in the Christianity grew, my parents disallowed my attendance at Church.  Rather rebellous, I found my own ways.  Church was always a source of tension in my house, especially after I turned 18 and announced my intentions to NOT be a doctor and be a Youth Pastor, instead.  I think my mom hoped it was some misfit phase that would pass in a day or two.  But as I attended Church of my own free will (my parents take very literally the 18 and you're an adult thing), the desire only grew, and I was discipled and put in one leadership "class" after another, which further fed my desire for ministry.

About a year and a half later I left for college and discovered a complete different school of thought from the Assemblies of God to.... Baptist.  If you're at all familiar with the two schools of thought, you can see the conflict brewing right there.  Upon graduation I withdrew my denomination affliation with the A/G and have since been in quite the limbo about different beliefs.  One of them being warfare.  And while I may have thrown the baby out with the bath water when I rejected the idea of person prayer tongues, warfare is a difficult issue for me to balance these days.  Although, I must admit, there is some tug-o-war taking place; when I left college I was the healthiest I had ever been, holistically.  I knew I was loved unconditionally and I knew God was a good and loving father who did indeed have the best in mind for His Image Bearers.  But life happened, as it often does, and just over a year ago I moved to New Hampshire and the events that followed squashed my newly developed confidence.

Now, roughly 55 weeks later, I find myself engaged in a very real battle for the most essential of all human needs and beliefs: love.  Does God love me?  A very large and compelling part of me says, "yes!" The attention and instruction I received for 3 years at the care of amazing mentors like Don Perini and Christine Mutch all give me the, however fragile, hope to believe this is true.   But the experiences of life are a powerfully swaying force and the dominating stench of experience lingers strongly, overshadowing the fragile, steady dream of love and peace.

So, demons aside, I suppose there is warfare happening here.  Do I believe the words and actions of many who worked so hard to earn my trust, or the experiences of life, that, while persuasive, have lied to me before?  I'm sure the answer seems clear to you, but I caution you: a life understanding, just because it differs from yours, does not negate its seriousness and validity.

I know we've done this one before, but I re-stumbled upon it and still resonated quite strongly with it.  

Growing, and praying that you are, too.

Asher