a change in perspective :)

I'm pretty much a wimp. I melt as soon as I feel ill. It's weird, too, because I can endure great amounts of pain and other types of discomfort before it starts to take an emotional toll on me. But sickness I just can't handle. I'm the same way with headaches. I loathe headaches. I would rather endure a surgery than a headache. I'm an odd one, I know. And so, in the past 36 hours, Excedrin extra strength and I have become great friends, because a stationary Asher is a headache-full Asher. :-)

But a positive to being ill is the down time. With the stomach flu you pretty much have no choice but to let the dishes be and just lay there... alone. And I don't know about you, but being sick as a child is waaaaay better than being sick as an adult. When you're a kid Mom & Dad are there to comfort you and give you the care to get better. When you're an adult it's a different story. I even called my Mom and tried to convince her that she wanted to come make me feel better. You can guess how well that worked, hehe. And tomorrow, provided I feel at least as well as I do now, I'll be doing at least 5 loads of laundry and scrubbing down the bathroom and kitchen as I attempt to eliminate this nastiness from existence. Oh man, to be a kid again! I'm blessed, though: I have a couple brave and gracious friends, who risked their health to bring me things like sprite, saltines, and soup. Thanks, guys. I love you!

Down time, for me, is usually full of mixed-emotions. Even if I'm ill I have to fight ridiculous lies that say, "you're lazy, you're not doing enough," and ultimately, "you're worthless." Ouch. Lucky for me, I know they're lies. So even though the thoughts and correlating emotions are real, I can choose to act against them. (Praise God! Free will is AMAZING!) So, I stay laying, soaking in the reality that I have a perfectly legitimate reason to not worry about a single responsibility or judgment. :)

Today, during my "down time" I realized that I am very pleased with myself. I don't mean that in some arrogant, self-centered way, but I truly am. And here's why: in the past 12 months I have been through and overcome a lot. It's no secret how severely down I was last winter, no doubt due to the intense feelings of failure and shame from the "New Hampshire situation." (No joke, that's how I refer to it... lol) I was also very poor, very stressed, and very demanded-on. Not really much focus on healing my soul. And although most people abandoned me when I fell hard and needed help, there were a few amazing people who loved on me in all the right ways. I think you know who you are. Thanks, again.

12 or so months later, here I am. Still financially strained, I find myself far more willing to be at peace than I was just a year ago. Because I believe, now, that peace is as much a choice as it is an act of God. To be honest, my stressors haven't changed much. I'm still under-employed, still not in paid ministry, still physically challenged, still in large amounts of school debt, etc., so it's not a change in circumstance, at all. But today (Sunday) I really came to realize that I've had a change in heart, or at least perspective. I can only control so much in my life, but one of the things I can control and must be willing to take responsibility for, is my response to life's interesting array of situations.

This isn't a me thing, though. Yes, I've changed and grown, but it's not on my own strength, because if I had to rely on my own strength to survive, I'd surely be dead. Instead, this change and growth is a beautiful testimony to God within me, around me, advocating for me. It's strange because, at a time where recently everything's "gone south," I feel more connected with who God is and who I am in Him than ever before. I can only hope I can say the same next year. And while I'd love the "luxury" of a job I love and no worries about money, if I had to choose between intimacy with God and that ever-elusive dream job, hands down intimacy with God wins. This because, without God, the rest is meaningless.

I am proud of myself. But I am mostly thankful to God. =)

"As long as you can sweeten the pain of another life is not in vain."
-Helen Keller