lies sceam and truth whispers

I have a secret that I am going to uncover just a bit.

My apparent silence and lack of good writing on here is due to a good deal of tragedy in my life right now and recently. That's as far as the uncovering's going to go, except to reassure you that everyone is alive and physically well.

My prayer the last few weeks, probably closer to few months now, has been, "God help me, give me strength. Help me trust you" A couple weeks ago it changed to, "God, whatever needs to happen, let it happen." If you're keen on control, like I am, you know this prayer is a frightening one. And it most likely happens after you've tried EVERYTHING to fix it; the godly and sometimes the not-so-godly solutions. At least that's how the my recent go at faith has been. Through this process I've been learning to release my white-knuckled death grip on "my" reality. I am ashamed to admit this because there are so many of you that are rockin' it out with God, participating in the passions He has put in your heart... and then there's me over here, rocked, once again, by tragedy that is wounding me over and over and over.

For where I am, currently, plans are crucial. They are what is keep me alive. Sometimes all the plan I can muster is, "Okay, and now we are going to breathe." (the "we are" is a reminder to myself that I am NEVER alone, that God is ALWAYS near me) Sometimes it goes just as far as my next breath, because that's as far as I can imagine. And that's a good plan. But sometimes the plan needs to go a bit beyond that.

So here, to hopefully guide your prayers, is my beyond-my-next-breath plan. (there are many details lacking in this, intentionally)

• I can no longer stay where I am currently living. So I need to move. But I've got no money, and nowhere to go. In an act of insane faith I created a listing to rent out my spot today.
  
• The weekend of the 9th is CU's graduation. I've been planning on this trip since I graduated, two years ago. So on money I don't yet have, I'm leaving next Friday (maybe Thursday). Friday, my goal is to put in an insane amount of applications, and if possible, set up interviews for Monday.
• I need to do some networking while there and find someone who has a room to spare in the GR area that wouldn't mind putting me up for a few weeks. I am more than willing to babysit, clean, organize, and help out anyway possible in exchange for the roof over my head, while I look for full-time work

I'm having a really hard time with this. I don't, at all, want to leave the students I've been getting to know the past few months. They are absolutely amazing and my heart literally aches at the thought of leaving them.

I'm sure you have your critiques of my plan, and I don't blame you. It's being prayed about still, and may change, but right now it's my beyond-my-next-breath plan.

For those of you have cried with me over the last few months... who have sat with me... prayed with me... sought me out and looked me in the eyes... you have my thanks. You have been the hands and feet of Jesus, and I need that.