Grace

I've grown annoyed with myself, lately...

How my love for others doesn't translate to myself
How I allow fear to master me and rule my existence
How inarticulate I become under pressure
How inconsistent I can be in my actions

And how nothing I try seems to alleviate any of these things

I am always, always, who I am

My expectations of myself are too high.

Why can't I be perfect?

I feel compelled to earn love and grace.

But love and grace can't ever be earned.
Love... and grace, at the very core, are truths and gifts that simply are.

I, most desperately, strive to be good enough.

I bear His image... and that is enough.

It's almost as if I don't really get it

...and maybe I don't...

Because I can't really grasp the wonder and joy an infinite God dwells amidst when we stumble our way towards Him. I can't really fathom a reality where my status and well-being isn't determined on my efforts and my likability.

I am sure, that if Jesus had known me in his day, that his thoughts wouldn't have been along the lines of, "I'm going to lay down my life to restore Asher to God and watch her strive and struggle and claw her way into validation.

If actions and efforts were what it took, the imperfect law wouldn't have been imperfect and an atoning death would have been unnecessary.

I know this

...and still I struggle...

But I am learning. Accepting. Experimenting. Exploring. Growing.