Relationships & Student Ministry

I've had "Hark! The Harold Angels Sing" stuck in my head since Monday morning-ish because of an email I wrote to some friends. Oh dear. And you should see my shower walls. They're covered with bits and pieces of poems and articles and thoughts (yes, I own shower crayons, don't judge).

It's roughly 145am and I'm awake. Wide awake. Except for the minor detail of the "wide" part. I'm actually quite exhausted. But alas, sleep has hidden and I cannot seem to seek it out well enough to take it captive and partake.

The sweet goodness of my itunes is shallowly echoing through this post-midnight atmosphere. I wonder if itunes is picking up on my mood? It's set on random and selecting a rather spectacular mix of songs that are pretty much perfect for where I am. I hope that it's not loud enough to disturb the three other sweet souls I exist with. Sigh. I will miss them when these short two weeks pass, without a doubt.

Generally, I would blame my sleep-challengedness on worry or anxiety (and while I'm not silly enough to say I'm not worried or anxious, given the impending reality I face in just twelve days), but tonight my thoughts are just... everywhere.

I find myself curiously perplexed and grieved about full-time ministry after listening to a few full-time ministers a couple nights ago. My desire to go into ministry has only ever changed once; when I returned from New Hampshire 2.5 years ago, I wanted nothing to do with it. And a few months after that, God and I had it out and I told Him if this was the way things were going to be, I didn't believe in Him. That whole stance didn't last too long, since God is nothing short of the basis of my entire life. So I told Him I was wrong to tell Him I didn't believe in Him. (and oddly enough, I still talked to this God I didn't believe in every day, when I didn't believe in him) And eventually, I came back around to the idea of ministry. My students helped me with that. And of course, 2 years later, when I moved back to G.R. Jim KK stalked me, cornered me, and gave me no other option than to serve as a part of Fifty6. And so I do, and I love it. My students, whom I've known and mentored since 2005, have inadvertanly and unknowingly re-awoken my heart for ministry. They have reminded me what it is to live a life of service; all I want to do is love them forward in all the right ways and help them live the best possible life.

I want them to know who they are because they are His. I want them to know they have people in their lives that believe in them hard enough to rejoice EVEN IN THEIR FAILURES because hey, they tried and that's a lot more than most people. Then I want to show them how to move forward in a healthy way and to learn all they can from the experience. I want them to know they're not perfect, that God knows it, and that it's okay. They are loved anyway. I want them to know how to love themselves and others and God and the earth- well. I hope to show them that life is a journey and that they will be discovering God and His mysteries and themselves and how to live well for the rest of their lives. I want them to be bold in the way they live out their convictions and still respectful of each soul they come across.

These are just a few of the reasons I STILL want to be a youth pastor, even after two and a half years of "failure." And if becoming a full-time youth pastor becomes more about church politics and curriculum and arguments than it does about doing life along side teenagers, guiding them, teaching them, introducing them to God and watching Him reveal Himself to them, rejoicing and mourning with them, having ridiculous karaoke contests in the car to kelly clarkston (where the only rule is you have to sound horrible), and driving them around to youth group and talking them through their first dinner with the boyfriend;s family... then I'll take the job filing papers somewhere, let someone else handle the politics, and be a volunteer leader at a church somewhere for the rest of my life.

Call me an idealist, a purest, even foolish... but honestly, to me, it's all about people.

2:30am. Dang it. I blame the chai.

[PS- Don't get me wrong; I would love to do full-time ministry. I'm actually really good at training volunteers and planning retreats and curriculum, etc... I just don't want to do all that and lose the "doing life together" thing.]