The Art of Living

~~A few updates before the regularly scheduled post:

• I am now a part-time nanny. My little blessing is a 2-month old baby girl. She is so stinkin' adorable. Last week was a little bit of hell with her... but this week is going much, much better. [I'm still looking for another job; this one doesn't really cover all my needs, so if you hear of anything...]
  
• "My" little one loooooves to be talked to. I tell her how smart she is and how much I love it when she smiles. And she is a smart little tyke; she knows how to wrap you around her cute little finger...
• Ever feel like God's chasing you into a corner and leaving you with only one option?
  
• Sunday I moved. My 12th move in 2.5 years. Someone make the insanity stop!
• It's 11:33pm and I'm stuffing my face full of carrots; I'm sooo freaking hungry.
  
• I went "D" today for the first time in a very, very long time. It "felt" really, really good. (if you don't know what the DISC is, feel free to click here. Last time I took it I scored I-D)

Okay, random updates done... ~~

My greatest struggle with creativity is that I often find it difficult to pick up where I left off before I stopped or was interrupted. It feels to me, then, that the words I do find to continue on with what I set forth to create are forced and somehow less authentic than the would have been had the interruption never even occurred. It has, however, occurred to me that if every time I lose my "feel" for what I'm creating I stop and do not fight for it, I will forever have journals of lose ends that never find their destiny and it is certain that I'll never become an author. So here we go; I'm picking up where I left off in my thoughts two days ago. Hopefully you'll find a place at my digi-feet and find yourself enveloped in story. If not, keep coming back. I'll keep writing and maybe one of these days I'll be a writer (and have, consequently, grown up, since I want to be a writer when I grow up).

We cannot attain the presence of God because we're already there.
What's absent is awareness.
Little do we realize that God is maintaining us in existence with every breath we take.
As we take another it means that God is choosing us now and now and now.

-Richard Rohr, Everything Belongs

Every year around the same time it seems change is on everyone's mind. We ponder the way things have been, especially the preceding three-hundred-and-sixty-five (ish) days, and remember the things we liked or didn't like, the experiences that brought us joy and also the ones that brought us pain... and even some of the mundane, insignificant days stand out in their unglittered way because they are just that: plain and routine, where most of us find our greatest comfort. And we resolve; we resolve to make a change, to do something different-- or just to try to lose a few pounds.

If you're a Christian around this time you might consider this time a chance to seek the Lord for a new year; you want to give it to Him, and make the year about Him, so we find out His direction for the next year and we pray for His strength and focus so that we can pray more and maybe even read the whole Bible this year.

Neither of these trends really appeal to me; the first is generally short-term-minded and solely reliant on grit and the second... well, in general, that tends to fail, too. At least for me and 99% of my Jesus people friends. So I let the new year come and go without a resolution, and without a strong inclination to make arbitrary commitments based upon shoulds instead of a genuine desire. My new year came and went, without fuss.

In the days after, though, I began to wonder what it would look like for me to live a life of more intention, more purpose. What if I were to live in a way that took effort? That took passion and love and faith and hope? If I were to not live in reaction but out of excess? Out of these questions, came another: Where would I start? What do I want need to focus on? Is there a direction my life is already headed that could use some attention?

Initially, I thought "health" was a good focus; a good theme. Even at that point I was well on my way to such an end; but then, to my dismay, I realized that the goal "health" was too performance-based, too, "check off my list-y." And dare I say it? Too easy. I wanted something more. I wanted something that could bring transformation to my heart, my soul, my life. A new essence-way of life, if you will. "Health," though wonderful and necessary, wasn't going to do it for me. So I thought some more, I prayed some more, I reflected. And then it hit me:

Awareness.

Can you imagine a life lived with intention driven by awareness? What that might mean for your relationship with God? Yourself? Others? Creation? Can you imagine the ways in which you might be compelled to change and grow if you have no other choice but to wrestle with reality in the depths of your soul? That's what I'm seeking after. I want to know how my wounds affect me (and those around me... and the world... and how I understand God...). I want to be aware of how I treat my body and that it's a gift given to me to look after. I want to be aware of what's going on in the lives of those around me and how I can love them. I want to be aware of how I treat and steward creation; God's amazing canvas.

I want to sit in a spirit of awareness; a spirit that compels me to move in a new way, a new rhythm. I want to live in such away that reflects that I understand it's all connected and that it all matters. It's not enough for me to change my actions; I want to embrace a new philosophy and life. I've been secretive about this decision and commitment because I'm always weary of expectations and have been wondering about how serious I really am about it all.

Well, I'm fairly confident that I'm serious. Very serious, in fact. And I've become aware that this isn't a journey I'll be taking alone, though that is my dominant assumption. I'll have to fight to move forwards and even backwards and I'll need to trust the eyes and hearts of friends--but I also need to trust my own eyes and heart. I need to realize that I am both stronger and weaker than I currently believe I am.

I'm not really sure what this blog will look like in the coming weeks and months, but now you know: I am embarked on a year-ish of intention, the hope? A life transformed by honest awareness. You're welcome to watch or even join in. But please, allow me to caution you before you do: it's serious business. I sometimes find myself wondering what the heck I got myself into. But there's no going back, my friends. You can stop and not go forward! But back you can never go.

I have no idea how articulate this is or isn't, but I hope I've been able to share with you a little insight into what will be developing in my life and on this blog.

It's 1am and I'm still hopped up on caffeine. I figured the chai I had at 3:30 would've worn off by now? Oops.

Relationships & Student Ministry

I've had "Hark! The Harold Angels Sing" stuck in my head since Monday morning-ish because of an email I wrote to some friends. Oh dear. And you should see my shower walls. They're covered with bits and pieces of poems and articles and thoughts (yes, I own shower crayons, don't judge).

It's roughly 145am and I'm awake. Wide awake. Except for the minor detail of the "wide" part. I'm actually quite exhausted. But alas, sleep has hidden and I cannot seem to seek it out well enough to take it captive and partake.

The sweet goodness of my itunes is shallowly echoing through this post-midnight atmosphere. I wonder if itunes is picking up on my mood? It's set on random and selecting a rather spectacular mix of songs that are pretty much perfect for where I am. I hope that it's not loud enough to disturb the three other sweet souls I exist with. Sigh. I will miss them when these short two weeks pass, without a doubt.

Generally, I would blame my sleep-challengedness on worry or anxiety (and while I'm not silly enough to say I'm not worried or anxious, given the impending reality I face in just twelve days), but tonight my thoughts are just... everywhere.

I find myself curiously perplexed and grieved about full-time ministry after listening to a few full-time ministers a couple nights ago. My desire to go into ministry has only ever changed once; when I returned from New Hampshire 2.5 years ago, I wanted nothing to do with it. And a few months after that, God and I had it out and I told Him if this was the way things were going to be, I didn't believe in Him. That whole stance didn't last too long, since God is nothing short of the basis of my entire life. So I told Him I was wrong to tell Him I didn't believe in Him. (and oddly enough, I still talked to this God I didn't believe in every day, when I didn't believe in him) And eventually, I came back around to the idea of ministry. My students helped me with that. And of course, 2 years later, when I moved back to G.R. Jim KK stalked me, cornered me, and gave me no other option than to serve as a part of Fifty6. And so I do, and I love it. My students, whom I've known and mentored since 2005, have inadvertanly and unknowingly re-awoken my heart for ministry. They have reminded me what it is to live a life of service; all I want to do is love them forward in all the right ways and help them live the best possible life.

I want them to know who they are because they are His. I want them to know they have people in their lives that believe in them hard enough to rejoice EVEN IN THEIR FAILURES because hey, they tried and that's a lot more than most people. Then I want to show them how to move forward in a healthy way and to learn all they can from the experience. I want them to know they're not perfect, that God knows it, and that it's okay. They are loved anyway. I want them to know how to love themselves and others and God and the earth- well. I hope to show them that life is a journey and that they will be discovering God and His mysteries and themselves and how to live well for the rest of their lives. I want them to be bold in the way they live out their convictions and still respectful of each soul they come across.

These are just a few of the reasons I STILL want to be a youth pastor, even after two and a half years of "failure." And if becoming a full-time youth pastor becomes more about church politics and curriculum and arguments than it does about doing life along side teenagers, guiding them, teaching them, introducing them to God and watching Him reveal Himself to them, rejoicing and mourning with them, having ridiculous karaoke contests in the car to kelly clarkston (where the only rule is you have to sound horrible), and driving them around to youth group and talking them through their first dinner with the boyfriend;s family... then I'll take the job filing papers somewhere, let someone else handle the politics, and be a volunteer leader at a church somewhere for the rest of my life.

Call me an idealist, a purest, even foolish... but honestly, to me, it's all about people.

2:30am. Dang it. I blame the chai.

[PS- Don't get me wrong; I would love to do full-time ministry. I'm actually really good at training volunteers and planning retreats and curriculum, etc... I just don't want to do all that and lose the "doing life together" thing.]