Fear- part 1: a journal of loose ends

The unexpected. That's what my group of friends should be called. Seriously, we managed to get 9 people to my place for dinner, in a snow storm, in just 5 hours. The last of them (Jordan & Aza) just left about 20 minutes ago. I await a phone call from Aza to confirm that he & Jordan both made it home safely.

It amazes me, what God is capable of when we let Him work. Tonight there was a lot of unspoken tension in my house (which I will start calling "the haven" because it serves as one without hesitation to so many of my dear friends). The boys (Jordan & Aza) left to go get soy sauce and I called it out of the shadows. There was definitely a huge white elephant in the room. What resulted was about 20 minutes of authentic conversation and 20 minutes of weeping prayer. We even had to lock the guys out to protect a couple of the girls from embarrassment. They took it like such gentlemen, and the rest of the evening we spent discussing various things... and dancing around my kitchen to Superchic[k]. :-)

One of the topics we brushed on a bit more heavily than the others was fear. Fear is a truly powerful emotion, and perhaps that is why we are reminded several times that we are not to fear; God, in is omniscient wisdom understands that when we feel fear we do not act as we would when we are in sound mind (the biblical replacement of fear and a mere facet of what it means to be at peace).

For me, fear tends to immobilize. At my core, I fear two very polar opposites: my inadequacy and my greatness; my darkness and my light. This fear can be seen in one of my most prized possessions: my journal.

Jordan & I are becoming solid friends. One of our favorite activities is to read past journal entries to one another. It may sound weird, and perhaps it is, but it grows me and I am moved, inspired, and captivated by the sheer beauty of his penned words now spoken.

When it comes my turn to share, I find myself ashamed. Not because Jordan criticizes or looks down on my writings, because he is my greatest encourager in the matter, but because only one or two of my entries ever made it to completion. My dear friend sits there, eyes closed in concentration and appreciation and my voice slowly dwindles away, my head hanging. I cannot deliver.

It's as if I am on the verge of greatness, realize this, fear what might happen, and stop before I ever got to the climax of my thoughts. How unfortunate! Fear has limited me like a ball and chain, forcing an otherwise healthy individual to limp along, unable to move but a few inches forward before heaving the heavy weight of their unwelcome but comfortable companion along.

The pages of my journal may be through, but my thoughts are lost to myself and the emptiness of overflowing duties of life. I have not stewarded my thoughts well. Father, forgive me.

Fear became my dictator, my marionetter, merely pulling on strings, forcing to respond to whim after destructive whim until I had forgotten how to stand. Freedom a mere illusion I thought I had attained, for look at all the cool tricks & back flips I can do!

I was never meant for such an existence. And though it may seem like an insignificant consequence, lost thoughts may never be found and the beauty I attain later in obedience may actually be slightly less brilliant than that of the first ideation. God, though, in the goodness of His character, will use my journal of loose ends. If for no purpose than to help me, if only just me, to realize the emanate dangers of fear. He shall redeem my imperfections. For now I will rest in the lesson of my journal of loose ends. May this be the first of many "completed" thoughts as a string-less child of God.

-Asher