Ten Miles on a Horse

... named Boogie. Who has the world's most uncomfortable trot, ever.

But seriously, we rode from Kalkaska to Rapid City. Why? To get ice cream.

And seeing four girls ride through town on horseback has got to be the most excitement this town has seen in a long time because man, we were, literally, the talk of the town.

The ice cream was great. The french fries, too.

When it came time to get back on Boog, I got up, but every muscle in my body was either screaming, or not responding... or both. Even pulling myself forward with my arms was futile because my legs were nothing but dead weight.

So we called for reinforcements. Normally we only go 3-4 miles, round trip, and we had more than doubled it with this excursion. I had minimal problems with Boogie today, though since I hadn't ridden him in a few weeks he was a bit rusty with the verbal commands.

Anyway, I was picked up and they rode back. Her aunt took me back to the girls' house where I stretched, sat, stroked one of their dogs, and talked with their younger sister until they returned, three hours later. Their mom made us (all 13 of us!) lasagna and salad for dinner, and we older of the crew sat around the living room and chatted and laughed. After he put the little ones to bed, their dad came out and asked us if we felt ice cream floats were a good idea. Of course! It was a really good day. Casey and I literally spent 12 hours out there. It's so good to sit around and experience a good, healthy family who enjoys one another's company. I feel so lucky to have been a part of that environment, even for just one night.

Sabbathing

“I do not frustrate the grace of God:
for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain.”
- Galatians 2:21

"As God's fellow workers we urge you to not receive God's grace in vain."
-2nd Corinthians 6

After an insane few days and an unfortunate miss-out on church because of work, I was able to take a day to worship God with rest. To rest in and be aware of this stunning creation of his. To hopefully encounter him in a way that would encourage and exhort me to live wholly and fully, to pursue truth beyond where I am now.

Lately I had begun to neglect the awesome sabbath thing God gave us. I lost sight of its significance and power, its essentialness to my existence and growth. And then a couple weeks ago I began to feel a nagging. Part of the reason I'd begun to let go of sabbathing was because I haven't been all that demanded upon. But lack of work isn't the same as resting and being, I've learned. Resting, pursuing shalom and inviting it in to my life is drastically different than sitting around and doing nothing. And, as though God ordained it, my friends and fellow majors Ben and Jim both shared their two cents on the amazing Sabbath thing I'd been neglecting (both of these gentlemen are AMAZING and I recommend pretty much all of their writings). And, in an unexpected rush, I was back in Spiritual Formation class with my fellow Bible-Religion-Ministry majors, learning first-hand the practices and their necessity we would hopefully lead our students to in the near future. My soul stood up within me and screamed, "I WANT THIS!" like a love-craving puppy, knowing no boundaries. And so today... I sabbathed.

I'm not going to lie: at first I was like tweedle-dum, twiddling my thumbs, but eventually I fell into a rhythm so natural and beautiful, peace overcame me like a wave. Getting to this point took only meditating on this truth: Nothing essential stops when I rest. As Ben explains so well, the world won't end, people won't die, and projects won't walk away in protest. (Though it'd be nice if they would, sometimes!)

As the sun shown (75 degrees!) I was reminded of God's good nature, and how he just can't help but to restore life to a creation once dormant beneath snow and ice and gloomy gray clouds. It is his nature; redeemer, restorer, creator. And then I thought, "wow, that's so how he loves me! restoring life to my broken soul, creating potential out of disaster, and hope from despair."

And it's true, he does just that for me. But not just for me, for everyone. Everyone I have ever come across has a story of heartache, of betrayal, of doubt and confusion; are we good enough? Is there hope? Will we, too, be redeemed? And the answer? YES. Yes, yes, and yes again! It's not easy, and yes, there are days when I bawl my eyes out, pleading with God to get me out of this wretched existence before I poison the world with the disease that is my brokenness and inadequacy, but the truth is, in those moments, I've allowed the rawness of the moment (which is fine, my friends, in and of itself) to cause me to forget that God is present with me, crying with me, more near to me than my next sob-filled breath, longing to restore my soul to joy.

Today, in the midst of my Sabbathing, I read Second Corinthians. All of it. I couldn't stop. My soul wanted more and so my eyes moved on and on and on, and then bam... there was Galatians. But I stopped. 13 chapters of Paul is more than enough for one day. During my all-you-can-eat session with the scriptures, I really came to love Paul. We became confidants, partners in righteousness and affliction. He got it, I felt. At one point Paul is talking about boasting and how he can only truly boast in his sufferings, and he was given a messenger of satan as a thorn in his side. Can you imagine? Talk about a reason to complain. But he doesn't. (It makes you wonder, really. He and Job are probably good buddies in Heaven, don'tya think? " Hey Job, remember when God believed in you so much he let satan kill your family?" "Yeah man, that was rough! Remember when he gave you one of satan's messengers to keep you dependent on his grace?") But in his pleadings for deliverance, Paul is exhorted, "my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." And so, Paul, being Paul, is like, "oh, alright, God, if you say so" (Paul doesn't literally say that, but you get me).

Earlier on in chapter 6 (and also in Galatians 2) the church is exhorted to not frustrate the grace of God. This phrase and idea caught my attention immediately and I had a winded-soul moment. I am famous for my amazing (though admittedly, not good) ability to beat myself up over missing the mark, making a mistake, sinning. Seriously, I am at least 88 times harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. And when I thought about the idea that my self-righteousness behavior allows the law a place and makes the death of Christ pointless and vain, I am convicted. Who am I to deprive myself of the grace and mercy of God that he himself wanted for me and gave to me despite my imperfections and follies?

So maybe next time I fall or am imperfect or I'm not sure which way to head, I'll put down the gloves and embrace this truth and rest firmly in the gift of grace Jesus gave me when he went, unselfishly, to the cross.

And maybe you can embrace it, too.

Shalom

ps- Paul also makes a comment about his lacking speaking abilities in 2nd corinthians. yeah, we're pretty much soul mates.

Momentum

Hi friends.

Just thought I'd let you all know that I'm gaining serious momentum in the realm of writing. I sit down, I think, it flows, I write. Pretty good system, if you ask me.

So, I'm focusing my energies on that (meaning less entries here, perhaps) and I am also looking for a couple (2) people that are creative and one that has a like-mind and one a bit varied from mine to look over and help me improve my paragraphs. I need you both to be gentle, but honest, and to remember that I am more about the spirit and message of a writing than I am about grammar and punctuation, so sometimes I break the rules intentionally. I need people who will be compassionate yet forward and who will seek to protect the essence of my work, just as I would.

I have no clue if any of this makes sense, but I am tired, so let's pretend it does.

Umm... so if you are willing, let me know.

Thanks for the prayers, friends! Things have calmed down and I think most of my fears can be laid comfortably to rest.

Being in a relationship is quite the adventure! Two weeks into things and I'm fairly sure we do more conversing than most couples; figuring each other out, learning boundaries and needs. It's fun, stressful, exciting, confusing... all of these things, all at once!

It amazes me how much you can learn from another in such a short period of time and how much their belief in you can radically change your world. It's crazy how much he cares for me and believes in me. The experience has been wild. I've never felt so comfortable around another guy, never thought I'd find someone who wants me to be nothing more or less than exactly who I am; a guy who, even though it's different than what he's use to, wants to keep to my boundaries and comfort level.

I think I can safely say that I am happy!

:-)

Cynicism, Anyone? Ah, yes! And Hope.

As is my custom, I've been deep in thought. A couple nights ago (Wednesday?) Aza and I were sitting downtown writing. It was pretty late; the sun asleep for a several hours, at that point. But there we sat. I love sitting downtown at night. I love the lights and the character of the old buildings, casting shadows; each one telling a story. I was trying to write and was stuck, so he suggested I write about the building I had just admired, what I would do if I owned it. Normally, this task is an easy one. I dream often and big.

Once, while sitting in downtown Grand Rapids with Megan, Heather, and Lindsey, I turned a building into a life-skills center with state-of-the-art kitchens, vintage art studios, and a technology center, with the upper floor renovated into four studio flats, providing free housing for the 8 full-time staff that worked there. On the roof there were gardens and seating and a labyrinth. Sound cool? Yeah, that's what's (formerly) always trapsing through my mind.

But I haven't dreamt in a while. And when Aza asked me to write about the building with character practically yelling at me to take note and record, other voices, voices of fear, doubt, and pain, grew to a deafening level. I finished my three pages I try to write daily, but it wasn't about the Beattle Building (I believe that's the name of the building). When I explained this to Aza, I added, "But I don't think you really mind."

"I do," he said, much to my surprise.
"Why?" I inquired.
"I haven't heard any of your dreams in a long time."

I was stunned. I knew I had stopped dreaming, but I hadn't realized that anyone had noticed their absence, let alone missed them.

Life can be cruel. And if we're not careful the ups and downs and curveballs and suckerpunches and disappointments and disillusionments that life offers so generously can quench the resilence that defines, at least in part, the human spirit.

From here I will journey. Forwards. Backwards. Inwards. Outwards. I must continue on, dancing with the great, mysterious, creative order that sustains the world around me.

Just a bad day (edited)

I need a hug. I need someone to not be rude, to not assume.
I need a hug. Today's been rough.
I need a hug. And maybe a piece of chocolate.
But mostly a hug.

I feel as though I should explain this. If only I knew how. All day today customers were cantancorous and rude. Managers were cranky and withdrawn and barking orders.

I got some new dress clothes today. Lindsey and I like to randomly try clothes on together and take a pic or two. Unfortunately for me, everything I picked out looked great. Unfortunate because I have a very limited budget for clothing. There were two outfits, one a dress and one a skirt, that looked equally great... which, for the dress, is saying something because I've worn a dress once in the past 6+ years. Go me. Soooo... I ended up with the skirt/shirt combo. A couple more dollars but far more vesatile in use. And while I didn't get chocolate, I did get ice cream. And I was able to treat a couple good friends to some iced cream as well. It made me feel good to be able to get them something.




I continue to recieve encouragement and exhortation and as "uncomfortable" as it is, I think I might be growing because of it.

Another note: tomorrow I am retreating up north with a friend of mine. We hope to spend some QT together, but I really hope to get some God-Asher-nature time while up there, too. I will be "seeking His face" and trying to refocus my life. I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

Breathing,

Asher

Boys, Girls, & Sewing

Lindsey and I decided to be random and we went to Walmart, got fabric and other such things, called Aza, Adam, and Jess and came back to my house. It's now about 10:30pm. We told the guys when we called them that we'd be sewing. They came anyway. And the guys (Adam & Aza) spent the next 45 minutes or so figuring out how to use a sewing machine. We girls figured that since guys like contraptions, we'd leave them to it. They figured it out and then spent the rest of the night teaching me how to sew with a sewing machine.

Adam kept saying, "Asher! Slow. Be patient." (he's got me pegged already...)

hehehe...

And at one point he told me not to talk. I was apologizing for not getting it right away. When Adam said this Aza started laughing... along with everyone else. They just left. It's been a good night. And the guys taught me how to sew. It was great. A bunch of 20-somethings sitting around teaching ourselves life skills that we wish we knew how to do. Even the guys! Just goes to show that I belong to a generation of overcomers. =)

I'm making a messenger bag. I'll post pics of my masterpiece when I finish it. (it'll be several days, probably)

An unrelated pic: My baby brother (15) and his girlfriend. I'm so in love with this kid. He makes me so proud. Plus, look how CUTE he is??? And, he's talented and sweet-hearted. Definitely a lover and not a fighter. Okay. Enough mush from the big sister. Here's the pic:


(he doesn't know I have this pic... smiles)


Peace... and sleep.


Asher

Also Known as "Ashlove"

This afternoon while experimenting with some webdesign (I'm trying despretely to learn), I penned (keyed, is more like it) the following paragraphs. I think it's a rather accurate self-description. And I'm pretty proud of it.

Pen your own self description. It's a fun time. Let your personality shine for you. Share if you feel so inclined.
___
23 years old I've still got a huge appetite for knowledge and new experiences. Right along with the nerd stereotype, I loved college and sometimes even the homework that it required. I don't, however, like grades. They've become a measuring stick of "good-enoughness" that I'm not okay with. I love challenge, consistency, and the search for Truth. Which might be at least a small part of the reason my bud Aza and I are still friends after all these hills and valleys. :-)

I'm learning to take life as it comes and chase after my dreams all at once. It's a tough act to balance, but in the moments I manage to do so it allows me to be joyful when things don't go my way. I tend to be fairly passionate and compassionate which makes for an interesting life. Impulsive enough to cause trouble, I struggle making decisions where one option doesn't have a clear advantage to the others. It took me about 20 minutes one time to decide which tortellini noodle to buy. No, I'm not joking. My biggest pet peeves include lack of communication, people who don't do what they say, and life being all work and no play. I love working with teenagers, especially junior highers, writing, putting together print publications, and creating in general. I seek to listen, understand, and bless with all I say and do. Lofty goal? Yes. One full of tears... and smiles.

I'm a survivor at my core and, like anyone that's survived, I carry around a unique perspective on life, God, and all things important. I get angry for the abused, lonely, and neglected and enjoy playing hide & seek and peek-a-boo with little ones. I struggle to maintain a healthy self-image, but my struggle fuels my dream of opening up a center for young adult character and life-skills development.

Sometimes what you're looking for is staring right back at you.

Smile.

A Crisis of Faith

I don't claim to know much these days. I tend to be a fundamentalist in the purest form of the word. But to things I do know I am for very passionately.

I was at the well conjuring up some stuff on fasting and Aza was my sounding board, probing and challenging and digging wherever he felt necessary. (I invite him to do so since I tend to be more of an over-all concept girl, rather than specifics, when it comes to teaching).

As we were looking up something in Mark and well... one verse, completely unrelated to fasting, caught my eye and completely shattered a view of mine that I'd worked long and hard on. It left me confused, upset, and well... flustered. Aza was pretty much thrilled. Not that I was upset, but he loves seeing people grow so he had this happy look on his face. He was kind and patient.

Needless to say, it's back to the drawing board for me.

Dream on, child of God

I dream of riding a bike, swimming the oceans, climbing mountains, getting a blackbelt in Kung Fu, dancing, painting a masterpiece, traveling to every inch of the globe, holding the orphaned children of the world.

I dream of taking long walks with my husband (without getting tired after 5 minutes) under the endless skies, I dream of being a mother to many. I dream of living downtown in a big city, of owning lots of land and buildings so I can meet the needs of the needy. I dream of having my own needs met. I dream of a safe place and a work enviroment that I love and appreciates me.

I dream of creating a safe place for all people to live, grow, create, and change their world in their own beautiful way. I dream of being a youth pastor, an author, a teacher. I dream of healing for myself, my family, and all the world.

I dream of security for the fearful, love for the unloved, peace for the worried, and food and drink for the famished.I dream of leaving this broken world better than when I entered it. I dream of being seen for who I am instead of my disability; what I cannot do.

I dream of the masses entering into the amazing realization that they are unconditionally loved by God.

I dream of respect, courtesy, confidence in others, hope, and change.

I dream of things being better than they are now.

What are your dreams?

Affirmation & Self-worth

(^ooo...look at the clever title. yep, I'm cool... practically a rockstar, even...)

There isn't a week that goes by that I don't listen to a friend, be it a guy or a girl, that is desperate for the affirmation and approval from someone they've determined to be the one that can make themselves feel good about themselves. I struggle pretty strongly with this, as well.

But being the compassionate person I am, it breaks my heart when I'm holding my friends, stroking their beautiful hair and faces, watching the tears fall. Sobbingly, they ask questions I cannot answer: "What's she got that I don't?" "Why am I always looked over?" "When will I be the one loved and talked about?" Or, for my guy friends, I sit, watching and listening attentively, "How can she throw what we had away?" "How am I suppose to move on?" Again, I have no answers. I can offer no comfort beyond that of a soothing stroke.

I don't get it. I mean, I suppose I do, partially. It's usually traced back to a lack of good parenting, particularly from the father. We women didn't hear that we were/are valuable, gorgeous, worth while, from our fathers. And men, I've been told, didn't hear that they are competent, capable, strong, worth, etc. It's an entirely unfortunate situation. But when we NEED to be in a relationship in order to be validated as a person, or we NEED a certain individual to act a certain way or say certain things in order to have the slightest idea that we are beautiful, strong, worthy, capable, we are standing on shotty ground, guaranteed to cause great pain and damage. And we know this because we know ourselves. I'm not sure about you, but I know myself to be a painfully selfish individual whose giftings allow that fault to go generally unnoticed by most. Because I am selfish, I fail to see some one's need from time to time, and if they are looking to me for their root source of validation as a person, be it woman or man, I will cause them great pain.

In the words of my mentor Don Perini, "Don't hear what I'm not saying." I'm not saying that we shouldn't encourage each other. I'm not saying that we shouldn't call our brothers in Christ strong, wonderful, thoughtful, and handsome, or our sisters in Christ, caring, beautiful, gifted, and amazing, because we should. At least, that is the ideal. As Christians our very existence and presence should liberate others to discovers their true selves without shame or insecurity. This is a very biblical concept. One person, however, cannot be the foundation of worth for another. If a boy doesn't look your way, sweetheart, it's okay. And although I cannot guarantee you a man, I do know that God carefully crafted you and longs to see you dance in freedom and confidence. You, no doubt, have heavy burdens and deep wounds from a life lived, just as I do, so this truth is probably difficult to understand or received with skepticism. While I'd love for you to believe me, I'm hoping to plant a seed so that one day when a man, woman, or even your kitten shows you little/no affection, you might think, "Hey, that's okay. I know that I am a strong, caring, beautiful/handsome woman/man with great worth and purpose."

It takes time, and I'm "okay" with that ("okay" meaning I wish everyone could get it over night, for their sake, but it won't happen like that and it's certainly okay to be in process... unless you're me, of course. I expect myself to get it over night. Rest assured, though, because you're not me, are you? *wink*) And so you know, this post is mostly for me. If you got something from it, wonderful. That is why I share my thoughts. =)

On the Love of God

(This not the same post as yesterday, but it is a work in progress, so feedback is welcome)

It is dangerous and faulty logic at work when someone says, “This good thing happened to me, therefore, God loves me.” While this seems true, and I am in no way claiming that God doesn’t do good things for His children, great danger lurks just beneath the surface of such a “good” thought.

“This horrible thing happened to me, therefore, God does not love me.” This, you may realize, is the same logic. Cognitively, most Christians know that God’s love is unconditional, but because we lack a concrete example that such a thing exists and is possible our hearts resist the notion. Unconditional love becomes a mere fairytale idea that inspires the downtrodden, rather than the transformational truth that permeates God and all that He is, does, has done, and will do.

The existence of such a love, a love without conditions, is horrifying news for control freaks, self-proclaimed unlovables, and people like you and I who have gone great lengths to convince ourselves that we, the finite human race, have the power within and among us, to control the emotions of our infinite and all-knowing Creator. When we’re feeling especially bold, we test our self-imposed limits of “unconditional” love, tirelessly searching for a divine loophole that we can trap our Abba in, and in ignorant confidence proclaim, “Ha! I told you! I told you I could make you stop loving me!”

Despite our relentless tantrums, God’s love loves on, frustrating our feeble attempts to prove to the Almighty that we are in no need of His enduring affection.

If man were to cease to fight off the unconditional love of God, he would have to quiet his self-loathing and stop sipping from the well of lies brewing within him. Love is dangerous, very, very dangerous. The familiar and safe darkness that incases as person’s most cherished lies about their identity and worth cannot withstand the liberating light of love.

"Do I look surprised?"

Every once and a while I get pretty down about my family situation. Mind you, I love my family, but there are so many deep-rooted issues that keep us running in circles in terms of our relationships. I say "us" because although I am ready and willing to deal with whatever needs dealing with, but they are not. They don't even see the problem(s). Now, as a 23 year-old woman holding a very hard-earned Bachelor of Science degree, living on my own (plus a roomie), I don't need to be in the center of the issue, I can, more often than not, live my life unaffected by the crap that engulfs them. I still have my issues from when I was a tot, and those, to some degree, will always remain, but I need not take on more.

Whether you view it as fortunate or not, however, they are still my family, and the ongoings occassionally bother me deeply. Lately I have been more affected by "family issues" and I am discovering a surprising thing: there are friends of mine that are amazing family members, who love me even on my days where I need reassurance every 20 minutes. Anyone else ever have days like that? I sure do. And in response to my days I hear things like, "I love you," "You're not bothering me," and, "You're safe here." Mmm... comforting words!

But it's not always sweet-love. I've experienced my share of tough-love, too. I was recounting a conversation that had me upset to a friend, and they turned to me and said, "Asher, do I look surprised?" (shocked, I shake my head no) "You shouldn't be either. Your family will probably always be like this, you need to accept that." (awkward pause *here*) They're right, I've known that for a long time, others have known it, too, I'm sure. But no one's had the guts to just come out and say it... until a couple of days ago, anyway.

The cool thing about this situation is that I am not without family. As cheesy as it sounds, I have the family of God, and a specific group of them are continuously challenging my understanding of unconditional love, and showing me that they desire my freedom and healing just as badly as I desire theirs.

I know my situation isn't unique, so if you can relate to my "situation" with my family, I want to encourage you to find sanctuary in the family of God; we're not perfect, and some Christians down-right suck, but there are many out there that are longing to develop lasting relationships that encourage, heal, and bless. Please please, seek it out. Fight for it. It's worth it, I can say that much.

I am fickle

(I've read through this, and I realize it's a bit scattered, but in an effort to not be a perfectionist for once, I'm leaving it... hopefully, lol)

The fickleness of human beings truly amazes me.

And I am at the top of that list.

While it is entirely too easy to blame Satan for frazzled emotions and a wayward heart, they are mine to own. I am a fair-weather friend, finding it easy and pleasurable to follow God and confess the truth of my identity, encouraging others to do nothing short of the same... while the sun shines. What a whole-hearted hypocrite! I encourage others to be open with one another, and yet, I war within myself to be open with even those closest to me, holding by heart with such a death grip it begins to bleed. I am entirely a female, allowing the actions, inactions, words, and lack of words to become goliath in size, rather than seeing them as the imperfect but loving attempts to be kind and faithful. My first dedication, though am a wonderful deflector of this, is to myself. And though I seek to encourage and uplift others, serving them, my thoughts always return to "what about me?"

I have and am falling drastically short of my own ideals, the expectations of others, and the demands of holiness. Each breath taken is taken in expectation and entitlement, rather than thankfulness and wonder. Yes, I have been hurt, manipulated, and abused, but the truth is, my hands are not free of guilt; I, too, have hurt others, manipulated for my gain, and callously "not cared." And heaven forbid anyone treat me like I don't know what I'm talking about, seriously. I've got it together, or so my plaster white mask might have you believe. Absolutely horrible. And yet that is the raw truth, my inescapable condition. Completely and undeniably unable to do anything of true greatness apart from He who authored my story and lovingly tended to the creation of my fingerprints. Instead of acknowledging this, however, I have turned to people, men, positions, accomplishments, and materialistic security to increase my self-perception and feel as though I matter and have significance to the world around me.

But all of this has failed. And though I am an unfaithful child, the one constant thing I have to choose to turn to is God...Yahweh..Abba (daddy)... and I'd be lying if I said I felt fulfilled, even with a relationship with God... because following Him, being transformed by the amazing power of the Spirit, is draining, messy work, and insight of a dark night of the soul, I surrender to the instantly pleasing, imperfect ideas of life, beauty, and meaning... right? Definitely not, but it holds true for myself... and every other Christian I've ever met... that was willing to be open and honest with me.

But God is God, lover and lord of all things created, and He pursues me in ways that should make the proud tremble and the broken rejoice... for in His arms I am loved, safe, and secure... and it is for this truth, for others and myself, that I fight, war, and presss on with iron-clad determination and firey passion.

Comfortable Uncertainty

(3 January 2007)

Comfortable Uncertainty, few things are stranger. To be neither good nor bad, hopeful nor devoid of hope- such a state so closely resembles apathy. I contend, however, that it is not apathy that has struck me but rather a sense of "whatever will be, will be." It's as if, in the middle of a dark & hazey night, I've found a treasure so esteemed that to touch it would defile its pure and beautiful presence. And it's strange, I confess, because rather than fight to discover what lies within the mysterious package, I instead circle it, slowly, cautiously considering the wonder within my heart. After a while I sit, cross-legged, in a close distance, not in an attempt to discover or reveal, but to contemplate. For if one day the thing you so tirelessly pursued turns out to be fraudulent, what then would you pursue? Mysteries deserve such an honor shown by a lack of explanation.

Interaction Time!!

Hey everyone, young & old!! This one's for you!


There are many things that separate man from God.

Many of these things are also so mysterious that the human mind struggles to comprehend them.

I need your help! I'm trying to come up with as many of these characteristics as possible.

Here's an example:

God is...

• Omniscient (All-knowing)
• Omnipotent (All-powerful)
• Omnipresent (All-present/present everywhere)
• Immutable (unchanging)
• Unconditionally loving
  

Please leave me a comment with other characteristics & qualities that you can come up with!

Much love,

Asher

Fear- part 1: a journal of loose ends

The unexpected. That's what my group of friends should be called. Seriously, we managed to get 9 people to my place for dinner, in a snow storm, in just 5 hours. The last of them (Jordan & Aza) just left about 20 minutes ago. I await a phone call from Aza to confirm that he & Jordan both made it home safely.

It amazes me, what God is capable of when we let Him work. Tonight there was a lot of unspoken tension in my house (which I will start calling "the haven" because it serves as one without hesitation to so many of my dear friends). The boys (Jordan & Aza) left to go get soy sauce and I called it out of the shadows. There was definitely a huge white elephant in the room. What resulted was about 20 minutes of authentic conversation and 20 minutes of weeping prayer. We even had to lock the guys out to protect a couple of the girls from embarrassment. They took it like such gentlemen, and the rest of the evening we spent discussing various things... and dancing around my kitchen to Superchic[k]. :-)

One of the topics we brushed on a bit more heavily than the others was fear. Fear is a truly powerful emotion, and perhaps that is why we are reminded several times that we are not to fear; God, in is omniscient wisdom understands that when we feel fear we do not act as we would when we are in sound mind (the biblical replacement of fear and a mere facet of what it means to be at peace).

For me, fear tends to immobilize. At my core, I fear two very polar opposites: my inadequacy and my greatness; my darkness and my light. This fear can be seen in one of my most prized possessions: my journal.

Jordan & I are becoming solid friends. One of our favorite activities is to read past journal entries to one another. It may sound weird, and perhaps it is, but it grows me and I am moved, inspired, and captivated by the sheer beauty of his penned words now spoken.

When it comes my turn to share, I find myself ashamed. Not because Jordan criticizes or looks down on my writings, because he is my greatest encourager in the matter, but because only one or two of my entries ever made it to completion. My dear friend sits there, eyes closed in concentration and appreciation and my voice slowly dwindles away, my head hanging. I cannot deliver.

It's as if I am on the verge of greatness, realize this, fear what might happen, and stop before I ever got to the climax of my thoughts. How unfortunate! Fear has limited me like a ball and chain, forcing an otherwise healthy individual to limp along, unable to move but a few inches forward before heaving the heavy weight of their unwelcome but comfortable companion along.

The pages of my journal may be through, but my thoughts are lost to myself and the emptiness of overflowing duties of life. I have not stewarded my thoughts well. Father, forgive me.

Fear became my dictator, my marionetter, merely pulling on strings, forcing to respond to whim after destructive whim until I had forgotten how to stand. Freedom a mere illusion I thought I had attained, for look at all the cool tricks & back flips I can do!

I was never meant for such an existence. And though it may seem like an insignificant consequence, lost thoughts may never be found and the beauty I attain later in obedience may actually be slightly less brilliant than that of the first ideation. God, though, in the goodness of His character, will use my journal of loose ends. If for no purpose than to help me, if only just me, to realize the emanate dangers of fear. He shall redeem my imperfections. For now I will rest in the lesson of my journal of loose ends. May this be the first of many "completed" thoughts as a string-less child of God.

-Asher

Mysteries Concealed

The goodness of God amazes me. Sure, I struggle with an opposing idea of God that depicts Him as a mean kid chasing after ants with a magnifying glass, but I know the truth, just the same:

God is good; He loves His children dearly, and works all things together for their benefit & His glory. He would do absolutely everything He could to bring us to Himself once again. He longs desperately, as only a father could for His child, to comfort His beloved and wipe away our tears. I also understand and rejoice in the idea that I do not need to invite God to be with me, He is already here, closer than my humanness can comprehend. I bring joy to Him when I am discovering and growing; searching out truth in all its beauty.

There was a moment at the Well this evening when Alex, Jordan, & I were talking, that I was overcome by the sense that we were bring God elated joy as we shared with each other the things that God is revealing to us; it was overwhelming, really. The atmosphere and moment so precious that we could only acknowledge and rejoice in it further. We were pleasing our Father. Not because we had discovered some amazing truth for the first time in history or because we sounded intelligent, but because we were authentically honest with one another as we moved forward, both individually and communally in our search for the mysteries of God:

It is the glory of God to conceal a thing but the honor of kings to search it out -Prov 25:2

To search it out... not to find, but to search is what caught my attention. I am sure there is some value in the finding, but the process of finding, especially when done with community, is so incredibly inspiring to me; the edification of one's family, their friends, their neighbors; the people they love and adore. That is not something I would trade for the "privilege" of forging my own way, of being the lone ranger, for existing without accountability.

I pray earnestly that God would bless us in our efforts to discover Him and His creation without defiling the beauty that is His mystery, and that He would continue to use my loved ones to aid in my journey towards truth.

-Asher