Thinking, thinking, thinking...

(look to the post below for pics of the handsome Justus)

For mood-music for this post, listen to this song:



I can always tell when I'm due to figure a thing or two out... I don't sleep. It's not worry, just the thought & decision-making process I go through and have gone through since a child. So much to consider and I'm not really sure which path is best. Lucky for me there's grace for mistakes... still, though...

My grandmother recently asked me if I'd like to take some classes at our CC, just to stay in the swing of things... the answer: yes. Next question: what? I already have a B.S. Yes, I'd love to go to graduate school, but it isn't in the cards, financially, right now. And, how am I to pay for this? Another loan isn't going to happen, I'd rather wait on that for my Masters. The other option is my grandmother... and while I know she'd do it for me, I really don't want her to; I feel compelled to take responsibility for my life and work towards financial independence. I already feel guilty for living in her home and not paying real rent. Something inside me says I should be more adult by now. Without my grandmother's financial support I probably wouldn't have finished Cornerstone. I was and am the great hope of the Kennedy-clan. My older cousins completely ruined any real chance of graduating college and having a real career. And then there's me...

I graduated, but my career choice broke the hearts of my parentals; I brought my family honor for 3 seconds as I received my diploma cover, and then watched their hopes fade as I continue(d) to struggle to find a niche within my field.

I'm waring within myself, trying to figure out where I "should" be. What is the measure of success, anyway? There are so many different opinions about this and I feel like, even at 23, I'm shouting at the top of my lungs, "Won't somebody show me the way? Won't somebody tell me where I should be right now?" I'm sure many of you are like, "psshh... the answers are easy! Why don't you know?" Well, trust me, the answers aren't so black and white.

Is it "success" that I'm serving dinners out of my home every Monday night and encouraging people to be open about their concerns and doubts and rough stuff? (The Haven...) Maybe, but the pressure from somewhere that I feel to be financial secure and independent is unrelenting, let me tell you...
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And what of relationships? I use to think that relationships were solid and that you could depend on them... on people... for extended whiles. And I'm sure that's how it's suppose to be, but it's not where our culture is. Relationships change more often than I get my oil changed... I lost my mentors when I graduated college, my mother and father figures when I left my home church, and more good friends in the past 12 months than I'm sure is healthy. I'm to a point where I just assume some one's going to pick up and leave, lose interest, or shuffle me out like I'm an assigned responsibility rather than a privilege to know. I understand that the above sounds rather negative, but I don't really mean it to be. This new grasp on the fluidity and temperance of relationships in the American culture allows me to move on without being hurt or let down.
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I want kids. I believe I will be a great mother. Perfect? No... but great.