Affirmation

Without the support of my community I would be crippled in life right now. They are absolutely crucial to my "success" as a person & Christian.

Pretty much every thing that could go wrong for me in the past couple weeks , has. Traditionally, I am the encourager, the unconditional listener, the exhorter. I've listened to some intense stories over the past two months, reminding myself never to act shocked, to avoid the why question, and make sure my entire body is communicating "you have my attention & love." And the past two weeks? the shoe has definitely been on the other foot.

This is a frustrating experience for me because trust is a dangerous thing (read: risk), and people have a horrible habit of asking for my trust, earning it for a brief moment, and then dragging it through the mud while doing the texas two step all over it. But I've tried my very best to allow them to lift me up, to let them carry me, to cry in their arms, share with them my pain and disappointment, my excitement and joys... and man! They've really surprised me.

I contend that I don't deserve such good relationships... but that's mostly because I've grown accustomed to making it on my own and people only offering up lip service about community and committed, real relationships... and in the back of my mind I hear Don Perini saying, "you deserve better than what you've had" (Im not entirely sure what the exact words, but you get the idea)... I want to believe it so badly, but part of me just feels prideful if I accept that as truth... but I'm pretty sure it's a lie, so I ignore it and trust that I do deserve better than what I've had previously.

The past few days I've had a number of very empowering conversations. I was on the phone with Jordan and I'd had a pretty rough afternoon (my Medicaid was revoked right after being approved) and he kept getting a call on the other line, but ignoring it. I eventually told him that he should take it and I'd go, but he got pretty upset at that idea and told me that I was important to him and that he wanted to talk to me and could always call ___ back, especially since he knew I was having a rough night.

Friday afternoon & evening Aza & I ended up hanging out at borders for several hours. Aza is highly analytical and is good for conversation, which allows an outlet for my always busy, analytical side. Conversation with him, or that type, is something I thirst for, but rarely find outside of our relationship. I was throwing thought after revelation after idea after thought after this poor guy, and all the while he had been taking notes out of a book and stopped when we started really talking. I eventually started apologizing for being a distraction he said I wasn't, but I was persistent... then he says, "do you remember what Jordan said to you on the phone yesterday?"
me: *pause... process...* "yeess"
him: okay, I'm saying the same thing right now by not reading the book. (paraphrased)

And then, today I didn't end up going into work because of some personal issues that needed dealing with (and my ride kinda went on strike, saying I needed to stay home to deal with them) and we were going to have 1-1 time, but life, as it is, didn't allow such an opportunity... but we did end up renting movies, four of us, this (Saturday) evening and heading to the Well.

Before we got to the Well I insisted on handing out Christmas gifts (which I spent pennies on...) in hopes that seeing the joy on their faces would be enough to lift my spirits... and man... they were so happy! It was great... wasn't the pick-me-up I wanted, but it definitely helped!

At the Well it got crazy loud (which um, isn't good really) and hectic and I still hadn't gotten a chance to talk though all the crap running through my head... so I'm still feeling like a emotionally constipated hippo or something (curse of the verbal processor!! bah!), and I finally get a chance to talk to Jordan and Parker, and Parker, being the amazing person he is, is trying to encourage me and get me to see the silver lining... and this was my response:

"No offense, Parker, but I am usually the optimist, I can find good in any situation and am always encouraging others... but you know what? I think it's okay for me to just have a day where I am just pissed off at the world"

Annnnd cue the laughter. Jordan was like, "amen" or something like it and then he and I got to talking where he just continually affirmed me and my value to him and it was simply good to hear. Like chicken soup when you're sick!

When Katie drove me home she also did a lot of the same encouraging, and man... it was just a good day in community! It's hard to believe that I've actually got community... real community. Not perfect community... real community.

I am literally busy from 10:15am Sunday morn to 2:30am Mon morn, non stop... yeah, I know, far too busy, but in my defence, it's the only busy day I ever have and um, well... yep. Everything just sorta falls on Sundays... Church, work always works me on Sundays, then staff meeting for the Well, then I work at the Well.... ahhh! Pray for me, k? thanks =)

And on that note, 'tis to bed with me...


-Asher