Unassuming Love

I've been feeling really discouraged lately.
In the midst of everything

there is doubt.

inescapable
suffocating
overwhelming

And yet?

There is grace.

I'm currently talking with one of my former employees from the cafe.
She is great; one of those people and employees you just want around
all the time

Well, she's busy with school and an internship so I basically told her could come back to work "whenever"

She really is that great!

We haven't seen or talked since before I was laid off.
And so now she knows.

And here's where it's important to not overlook God's grace and love.
Because sometimes, they can be hidden.

She said to me, minutes ago, after I explained I was a little worried about my closely approaching future:

"...when I was sick, long story short, the infection i had sent random pains throughout my legs so bad I couldn't walk good for awile and I thought of you, how you have that every day of your life and how you never complained and were so positive...that really helped. so hang in there! I think you're a really strong person and I admired you for that.

I think you probly touch alot of lives without knowing just being YOU!"

...

and moments later? She says, unprompted and out of nowhere,

"so I think you should be a writer."



Thank you, God, for the
reminders
small and unassuming as they can be,
that You love me and are involved and invested into my life.

Better than Kisses from an Enemy

The picture to the left has nothing to do with any of this post. I simply love this girl. Last week we hung out and she got to experience the joy that is the Sparrows. Her name's Alyssa. We've been hanging out since she was 12. She's now 16. What happened??? This week I will be hanging out with Katie, 17, who starts at CU in the fall... oh, their beautiful souls! Anyway...

...Hello! Let's see if I can muster up a significant few words, or something.

Today I'm at the E-GR library, listening to a mumbling-rumbling of children that can in no way be described as "quiet." What's worse is that a fair number of them are actually crying? What about? I have no idea. I loved libraries as a child! Oh dear, one mother just put her child in time out... things are not going well for the little tots.

I'm also enjoying some dark chocolate with mint and rosemary. On the wrapper it claims to be food for the gods. I am inclined to believe them. I'm a huge fan. It's a good motivator for the job hunt I'm continuing today. The best part is it's free of things I'm trying to avoid. And chocolate has been scientifically proven to be good for the soul... or at least one's serotonin and endorphin levels... which is just as good, in my book.

The idea of hope has been touched on quite a bit here in the past few weeks; months, even. I suppose that's because I have this default setting that, even when I want to give up and throw in the towel, says, "hope must be near, it must be found, it must be clung to!" And so on best days I find life-giving joy in hope, difficult days I wonder where hope has gone, and on the very worst days I'm indifferent; not caring if hope stays, goes, or continues on. And I'm beginning to believe that it is not anger or confusion or desperation that destroys the soul, but indifference.

Over the past couple days a few beautiful people have spoken into my life in such a strong, powerful, way it left me in near shock. But when people do such things, especially when it involves ideas that are uncomfortable, especially if found to be true, the best course of action is not to run and hide and be on the defense, but to explore the feedback. For me, it helps to first take some time and space to myself and then, later, be honest with someone I know cares for me about the feedback I received. As terrifying as opening oneself up to that kind of input is, I am amazed by the freedom I have discovered in sitting and wondering in such thoughts and ideas.

And freedom came when I risked it. When I decided not to hide. And that I, on my own, alone in my head with my thoughts and fears, was probably not the best thing ever. And so as I opened up and put to bed the millions of what-ifs that had previously prevented my from inviting in other voices to my circumstance, I learned that perhaps my perspective has been a bit... okay, a lot... backwards. Maybe, instead of assuming this to be true, and watching it bring death to life, (and the true measure of truth, I believe, is whether or not it brings life and light to death and darkness) I could look upon it another way, which, oddly enough, has freed me from a substantial amount of fear and condemnation.

I guess it's safe to say that my theorhetical understanding of community had an abrupt and somewhat painful encounter this week with real life, rubber-hits-the-road, live-it-out-or-surrender-your-beliefs. I know, that sentence makes absolutely no sense. Something tells me you can handle it.

Well, within the time it's take me to tap this out on my laptop, I've seen three sets of dedicated fishermen set up residence on Reeds Lake, finished off my chocolate crafted by the gods, been mistaken for a 17 year old, heard the life stories of three beautiful elderly folk, been hit on by a 20-month old, been told I sound like a sick dog when I tried to laugh quietly, emailed a few contacts, and found an open position for which I am qualified... all in all, not a bad few hours.

Have a good day, my friends. I hope that as you journey through life that you take the time to soak in the love of trusted friends, in all its forms. Sometimes warm and fuzzy and sometimes prickly and painful, may you have the courage and insight to take it in and let it transform you in the deepest part of your soul.

In the Aftermath of Grace

Hello, hello!

You know, it truly does feel like Monday to me. For a couple reasons. I don't generally return from my travels on Saturday (as I did, yesterday), but Sunday. And, the entire reason I had planned to return to GR on Saturday was so that I could go to Mars... but then I woke up and our street is without power and we couldn't shower. And I won't torture my community like that; it just wouldn't be right. In fact, on my way to where I am, I happened across an intersection where the lights were out... and it's that funky intersection where you have to go straight and glide left half way through to go straight. I think it's Fuller and Lake (the intersection north of fulton/fuller), but I've been wrong about these things before.

Anyway...

I took a bit of a break from the 'net while in TC. It was a good move. Removing myself from something that keeps me perpetually stimulated and mentally passive most of the time, was a good challenge. Christmas day I completed 25 sudoku puzzles, in a row... literally, instead of allowing myself to be sucked into a passive state the entire day. Needless to say, my brain hurt by evening. Numbers never have been my thing. History, words, people, ministry is where I camp out. And for good reason.

I left for Traverse after a meeting in Jenison. I left at just a few minutes after 3pm. Generally, a trip from GR to TC takes just about two.5 hours. The weather and road conditions where so tretcherous that an hour after leaving, I was only just south of Rockford on 131. We (fellow bravehearts and I) were going anywhere between 5-20mph. Then some renegade driver behind me decides that the pace is simply insufficient, and tries to pass me. He swerves out of control and it's nothing short of a miracle that he or anybody else, wasn't hit, injured, or worse. He chilled out, as did everyone else feeling a little eager, after that. I arrived in TC around 7:30, a full four.5 hours after I left. Man-o-man, I was drained. But I wasn't done. Had I gone out to my parents, it would have taken about 40 minutes more. Instead, though, my little sister had a basketball tournament in town. So I stopped at one of my favorite spots and got a soy matcha green tea latte. One of the best drinks ever invented. And was on my way to find the school and a parking spot. Ha.

I'm not one real big on sports... at least at cheering when I watch them, anyway. But watching my little sister play her heart and soul out had me stressed beyond what can be healthy. I had next to no voice by the end of it and both my dad and I were pretty sure our hearts were going to burst. My sis scored 19 out of the 60 points her team scored. She had countless assists and rebounds! One of her teamates also scored 19 points. And, for the first time ever, the team that always hosts this tournament, lost. She was also named as part of the "all-tourney" team; five girls selected from all the teams in the tournament that exemplfied excellence in play, attitude, character, etc... !!! I had no voice after that. I am one proud big sis.

To make all this better, she was clueless that I even knew about the game, let alone that I'd be there. She figured it out, I guess, when they were announcing the starting players when several of her teamates (who I know) saw me and pointed me out to her. After the game my near-six-foot tall baby sister ran up to me, screaming, picking me up off the ground, hugging me. Definitely the best reception EVER. We returned home, my mom and I had a couple glasses of wine, and I kicked everyone's butt in phase 10. I have pictures to prove it.

The end of glass number one. An awkward shot of my dad, as well.

The scoreboard. I'm third over from the left. You'll notice that my score isn't the lowest.
I still won. Score is only important in the event of a tie.
You win by completing each of the 10 phases of Phase 10 before any of your opponents.
I rock.

Blurry, but my sis about to lick my dad. And people think I'm strange...

The next day, I had an early breakfast with my friend Jason and he got me on the subject of ministry. Which, of course, lights me up. I went on and on about student ministry and different successes and failures and how mentoring is the key to this and that and basically, I didn't shut up for about 40 minutes. Sorry Jason. He seemed to not mind so much, though. After that, my sister, brother, and my little brother's girlfriend (!!), and I spent the day together. It was a pretty solid. The next day, or course, was Christmas day, which began much later than normal.

My man of a baby brother. He kept commenting about how little I am.
I kept telling him I've always been this small, he's simply a man now.
He, of course, found my size hilarious.

My dad's idea of wrapping a christmas present.
The best part about this, is it was my idea. Of course, I was joking...
My dad... oh man...

Friday was a great day. I drove out to Kingsley to see a friend who was back in town from Vermont for Christmas. There we wii-d for about two.5 hours. I was exhausted afterword. Went to Borders with Lindsey (had another soy matcha green tea latte) and when we were through I went to the little chapel at St. Francis to meet up with Casey T and took the opportunity to breathe. Parker was there, too!! I hadn't seen him since my going away party, when he was randomly visiting from Chicago. He was back in town from Milwaukee this time! So the three of us went downtown to Serenity, a tea room, and talked. And there in the midst of a conversation on tattoos and Philippians (go ahead and try to figure out the connection there, I dare ya) Parker took the roll of the encourager he is and said,

"Nobody defines you, Asher."
mmmmm...

Thank you, brother Parker.
(if you want that story, Id be glad to share, email or call me)

Casey and I journeyed back to his mom's for dinner and then went to the Well. Dear God, I had forgotten how much joy the well adds to my life. I received and gave enough hugs to warm the coldest of Dark Nights (St. John of the Cross reference). I laughed hysterically, met new people, and introduced many to the joy that is the game of Fluxx. It was great to see so many wonderful friends who, ironically, were also in town just for the holidays and looking to reconnect. I even saw a few people who SCREAMED in delight when they saw me. Such a reaction was surprising (to say the least) and helped me to see how God had used me at the Well and to remember that serving God and "doing" ministry is not about doing huge monumental things for God, but being consistent and living freely in our strengths and weaknesses. {when we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. ~nelson mandela} And what would the Well be without me getting hit on by a creepy older man? Yep. That happened, too. (see my facebook wall, under favorite quotes for some context) :-)

Saturday I woke up exhausted and coughing. I met Casey at Oryana for lunch. Oryana is my favorite "little" co-op in TC. It's actually quite big, as far as co-ops go, and has a cafe where they serve up amazing organic, sustainable, and local foods. Yum. (Stay away from the gimchi/kimchee, though. Unless, of course, you enjoy fermented veggies. If that's the case, then, by all means, have at it!) It was the first real food I'd had since Tuesday morning and it was amazing. Afterword I met up again with Lindsey at Borders and then I headed back to GR.

My friends, hands down, made my trip to TC worth it. I love being around them because they are absolutely beautiful souls, inside and out. I am endlessly thankful for them and the fact that they believe in me even when I don't, that they see potential and greatness and call forth life when I have forgotten how to recognize such things within myself. And the best part? They do so unprompted. They don't wait for me to ask, they don't wait for a great conversation of the soul, they just do so because they know, at the core, the the soul is truly who we are and that calling it forth into light is something they are compelled and bound to do, as willing slaves of the Father God.

So here I sit, in the aftermath of grace, Wii-shoulder and all (I did, afterall, bowl a 258), intently thankful and with a fond and gentle smile across my face and soul.

If you read all this, congratulations. And thank you.

I hope your holidays were beautiful and wonderful.

Discipleship* & Mentoring

* I pretty much can't spell. Sorry guys.

My favorite part of ministry is relationship. I love the fact that it's all about relationship. Our relationship with God, others, ourselves, and the world, all wondrously intertwined. I suppose there are several reasons for this, but one of the strongest being that life cannot ever be lived alone. And when we try? We suffer. And so do others. We suffer, most fundamentally, because to be alone goes directly against our created nature.

One of my favorite projects in Senior Seminar was the relationship-web thing we developed (it certainly wasn't that never-ending lit review...). In it were those who pour into us and those who we pour into, as well as those who the pushing/pulling goes both ways. It was amazingly helpful for me to see the different people in my life and how we were all interconnected, fulfilling different roles with different people.

It brought a lot of clarity to me, and ever since then, has given me an awareness to make sure there are always people from each "group" in my life.

I first me Lucy** when she was on the upside of twelve. I didn't know it at the time, but Lucy had been watching me ever-so-closely for a month or two before she and I actually had a conversation. The first time I remember talking with Lucy was in the middle of my v-67 series on how God lives outside of a box (I cant remember what I called it), doing crazy things like giving a donkey the power to rebuke and bring someone to obedience.

I liked to, and still do, teach with play-doh or mold-able things. I find it helps students stay engaged, rather than be distracted, when done right. Before I began to teach I asked the students to think of a way that God had done something in an unexpected way in their life, and mold something to represent that. When I finished, and because the group was smaller, some of the students shared their creation and story with the group.

Lucy was one of those who shared. Her story captured me and left me a bit speechless. She had found God doing big things in the small, quiet areas of life. We talked afterwards and began to hang out on a regular basis.

It's about 3 years later and we've stayed in touch via email and texting. When I would visit the GR area we'd get together. I'm not going to lie, there are times where I've wondered and doubted if I was "qualified" enough to guide her along and worthy enough my status of "hero" in her life. But I've come to understand that it's not about my perfection, but about God's movement in my life, and my willingness to guide her through her journey.

She turns 16 on Monday. Yesterday she and I got together... and she came prepared. We've been talking about developing good boundaries for 2 years or so. I had already decided to let today be a fun, silly day, since it was our first "date" since I moved back. She, however, had other plans. She had decided she wanted to tackle some business, and brought lists and thoughts. So we did both, but had more fun than business, of course. Her willingness to "get it," no matter how difficult the change is, is something I've always admired about her.

Yesterday she made her own relationship constellation. She had, oddly enough, already started one on her own, without realizing it, so we just worked the rest of the way through it. As she's grown and started taking more ownership of her relationships and figuring out what she needs, it's been fun for me to watch her grow and discover. But honestly? Lucy has taught me that the process of mentoring isn't so much a process, at all. It isn't about having each student reach the same milestones unilaterally. Each one has their own needs, own personality, own voice to discover, and that process looks vastly different for each of them. Such a liberating truth for me as it takes the weight of, "gotta go it the right way" off my shoulders and gives me the freedom to use what I know of her, of God, of myself, and the world around us in a creative way.

**Lucy is not her real name. =)

Love

As I start this note it is 3:10am. I am exhausted, but I cannot go to sleep. I had an amazing encounter with God tonight. "Mysteriously" He donned the faces and hands and feet of many of my friends.

If I were to explain to you every moment of the evening that I "sensed" God's presence, we'd be here for hours together, and you'd most likely give up trying to read it all. But there are a few stories worth sharing, I think. Most definitely.

Tonight me and several of my friends gathered early at Jacob's Well. I had invited them to come at 7pm for some dinner and one last chance to hang out. Before we ate I asked if anyone would like to pray. Personally, I believe that the food is already blessed because it has been provided to us, but thanksgiving and humility are good disciplines, and prayer is an excellent connection to God, as well as a great community builder. So we prayed. And though I cannot repeat verbatim the prayer that was prayed, I was stunned by its contents. A friend of mine prayed for me and thanked God for what I have added to their lives. It floored me because I don't generally view myself as someone to thank God for. So often I am reminded of how far I haven't come and the ways in which I fall short, that when someone, whom I know is being honest, says something along the lines of "Asher's a blessing," it really requires me to stop and process. Just one way I felt God's love.

Another way was through the chalkboard above. Since October of 2006 I have been on staff at Jacob's Well. The Well has become a sort of family, in an of itself. The beautiful, unique faces of the well have driven me to insanity at times, but mostly, and most importantly, have helped me develop into more of the person I can love.

Every night, the volunteers recreate the chalkboard with artistic expression, some type of reference to where we're they are (the Well), their names, and the event (if any) of the night. And when I looked up, I saw "Goodbye, Asher!" Sigh. Love.

A friend of mine, one that I love dearly, is my brother, Parker. Parker actually wants to become a brother. Like... Friar Tuck. I love this man. He lives in Chicago so we didn't think he could show, but show he did! Parker has been amazingly gifted by God musically. Every time he sings and plays it's like a wave of happiness and peace for me. And you can see in his face that he loves God and is in His presence as soon as he starts, even when he's improving (which is amazing and hilarious!).

He lead us in impromptu worship tonight. We were sitting around the well, talking and he started improving, silly, fun songs. But the next thing you know, we're all singing,

"Love. love. Love. love. love love love."


Now, I know you can't really imagine what it sounded like, but imagine a group up some of you dearest friends, sitting around, relaxed and present; being. They're there because they value you. And they love God. And then, softly and carefully, you all start singing "love" to a strum on a backpacker's guitar. We also sang something like, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall lack nothing." Now imagine everyone is completely focused on those words.

Imagine that you know, without a doubt, that God is among you. Sure, He's always there, always moving, always, but now you're aware. You can "see" it. It's not an emotional thing, no tears, no shakes, nothing but knowing.

You know God is among you.
You know He is pleased.
There is peace within and around you.

Peace that surpasses all understanding.

Good, right?

I can't think of a better "last night" with my friends, many of whom I consider family.

Here are some other favorites from the night.




Love you!

What does the future hold?

I have had tentative plans to move to Grand Rapids this summer since November-December of 2007. There are many reasons for this. Traverse City seems too small. I desperately miss my friends and mentors downstate. I can imagine what Paul felt when he said, "I long to be with you." The ache is insane and unrelenting. The job market up here... what job market?

And as much as I love my church here and my students... they are soooo beautiful and precious and amazing and they have more faith at 14, 15, 16 than I have at 24 and a half... I feel misfit. Despite my pleading and praying I've got no one pouring into me on a regular basis (apart from youth leadership stuff) so that I can have accountability and a safe place to be real, authentic, even on the bad days. Right now things are good; I love mentoring students and drying their tears and embarrassing them with praise when they step out on the limb, no matter the outcome. I love promoting life. I love stirring up the happiness, the dreams and hopes and what ifs within them. I love seeing them worship God and tell others about Jesus. I can hardly contain my joy when I see them serving a stranger or offering to pray when someone is sick. And this week is baptisms. I am beside myself excited! Yes, things are good.

But things are also not so good. My family is going through a lot of junk right now. With my dad a self-employed builder/contractor, and the housing industry in what seems a never-ending slump, they have no money. And I have even less. I can't seem to find a steady job in this town that fits not only my passions and giftings, but is also sensitive to my physical challenges. I know that society will eventually change, but I guess I'm a bit ahead of the game. And I am in desperate need of a mentor in the flesh and blood. I have been pleading and praying since early fall of last year.

So the move would hopefully provide me with a community of those who love me and can pour into me. It would also increase my ability to find a good job. Not to mention that living in Grand Rapids is waaaay cheaper than living in TC, despite the fact that GR has city tax and TC doesn't. That's right, folks: MY birthplace is your vacation.

Well, all that to say: I received word tonight that the plans I've hoped on may not be able to come to fruition. It's not per lack of desire on the other person's part, but a difficult and potentially unavoidable situation. So I am not angry. But I am sad. Really sad. I want to believe in TC as my home, but when I'm honest, GR is the only place I've EVER felt truly at home in all the ways one feels at home when they are there.

And the heartbreak brings tears.

Despite my best efforts to remember that God has a great plan developed in His all-knowingness, it hurts in the depth of my soul.

Hope Restored

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.

-Matthew 11:28, 29/The Message

Because of what we celebrate and remember today, there is hope.

Rest.
Freedom.
Love.
Relationship.
Purpose.
Restoration.

Jesus Community

The choice to serve, to consider others when your world is crumbling can be a daunting one. I was faced with such a choice today. Not that life is all that horrible, God is on the throne, and for that I am thankful beyond words, but the situations of life have been all but shalom lately.

I was faced with the decision to either go to youth group and serve the kids or stay home. At the beginning of the day I wanted nothing more than to not go to youth. I couldn't fathom serving kids when my heart and mind were so consumed by everything going on. But something happened while I was at work and when it was time for me to make the decision there was no decision to be made: I had to go to youth. Every bone in my body, every bit of my soul, everything knew that I had the responsibility to be there for those kids and to trust God to care for my concerns while I was there.

The evening was amazing. I made some outstanding connections with a couple kids and at the end of the night I was able to talk to the youth pastor. I'm not going to go into all the details of everything, but the conversation was so good. I felt heard and validated and it was so cool to get the reassurance and encouragement and support. Not just from him, but from other members of the team. They didn't really know all that was going on, but they were great and prayed with and for me and surrounded me with love and helped restore me with hope.

All that breathing today was good.

Breathe in.... (God loves me)

Breathe out... (nothing will ever change that)

Breathe in... (I am His daughter)

Breathe out... (He is a good father who cares for His children)

... breathe...

ps- I found this that I wrote as a description of myself back in Jan 07. It makes me smile now. I am SUCH a dork.

I'm twenty-four and an aspiring writer. My only claim to fame is getting a poem published in a local community art project called "Exposures" when I was just a wee lil' teen. I spent three years making ends meet as a writing coach at Cornerstone University while a student. And while I love to read and write, I've never... ever... had the desire to major in English, Literature, or anything of the sort. I majored, instead, in Youth Ministry. The degree could have also been called, "Teenagers, Relationships, and Leadership. And, oh yeah, Church Politics." Nothing makes me happier than spending time with "my" teens. I also love to create things. Poems. Articles. Flyers. Programs. Retreats. Food. And let's not forget Exorbitantly priced coffee. =)

I'm twenty-four and an aspiring writer. My only claim to fame is getting a poem published in a local community art project called "Exposures" when I was just a wee lil' teen. I spent three years making ends meet as a writing coach at Cornerstone University while a student. And while I love to read and write, I've never... ever... had the... more »

Community

The past 16 hours have been full of amazing expressions of love. It turns out, no one thinks I'm over-reacting, no one thinks I'm ridiculous, and everyone loves me.

Before I go any further, a big thank-you to the Mars Hill community for making their worship project available online for listening. The inward direction has brought me a lot of comfort today.

It started last night with DeAndra allowing me to not talk, Aza allowing me to talk... and today started with the prayers of my friend Casey, followed by Jay who called to make sure I was alright & pray for me. DeAndra came and got me from work and we grabbed dinner together. I came home, sat alone for a while, and then Casey called me and we met up at the Well. We talked some about Nicholas and such, but soon he got me in a debate over baptism (he's catholic, I'm not) in order to distract me from the hurt for a bit. I got to laugh tonight.

Even though I spend most of my time numb over this, I know I'm messed up, or at best incredibly distracted. I forget conversations and events not long after they happen. Like, I completely forgot that DeAndra had dropped me off at my car and that I went home and then drove myself to the Well. I was convinced we came together. eh!

I think tomorrow Aza and I are going to hang out and probably DeAndra and I in the evening.
Sunday, of course, means church, Monday, nothing yet, and Tuesday is horseback riding, so I'm trying to look forward to things and keep myself occupied.

Thanks for your patience, friends.

AA

Somber Solace

Beginning these types of entries is always a challenge. How do I communicate what needs to be said in an honest, authentic, and appropriate way?

Last night we "redefined" our relationship. "We" being Nicholas and I. What that means now is that we are not a couple, yet want to remain friends. Personally, I'm hoping he gives me a day or a few to heal before we resume the friendship stuff. I am overwhelmed with all ranges of emotion. And when I think of all that I learned and all the ways I grew, it is difficult to grasp that it's over. I am praying that I can learn and heal through this process and resist the urge to wear a mask that says "all is well and bright in my world," but not be so wounded that the hope of Jesus does not shine.

God is good and he has provided me with friends that have and will let me cry and leaders that write me emails of encouragement and call and say, "hey, I'm here" and girlfriends who take me home even though the want to stay out and who bring over ice cream and automatically side with me because I'm their girl. I am thankful that even the ones who didn't agree with Nicholas and I being together have said, "this was real and it's okay to grieve."

I want to resist the urge to say, "here's all the good in this" because I want to feel what's going on inside and know that I have dealt with this in a way that won't come back to bite me later. I want to take my time and feel what I'm feeling, be where I am at, and move on when I'm ready.

[edit]
my 15 yr old brother is more accident prone than I, it seems. Last month he had a level-three sprain, and last night he broke his left collar bone. Prayers for him would be awesome. thanks!
[/edit]

:-)

The sheer joy I am experiencing now.. I can't really explain it! I returned from a long weekend in Grand Rapids (my home away from home) just two and a half hours ago. I already miss it; longing for the environment of love, encouragement, and joy that I have down there. Prior to heading for GR I felt worn out and lacked confidence in my ability to survive the winter. Just an hour and a half into my vacation there I began to feel renewed, loved, significant. I had more energy than I knew what to do with. Strange, huh?

I talked with Dr. Adams, who shared some of his own ministry experiences that helped me realize, seeing where he is now and knowing many of the things God has used him in, that one bad go of it isn't the end of me... or anyone else... in ministry. After that I hung out with Perini (mentor/friend 1) for a while, spent some quality time with Heather, had dinner at B-dubs, etc. The next day I went to chapel and simply "was" in the company of 300 or so, albeit tired and sluggish, of my peers. I then had coffee with Larry (mentor/friend 2), Lunch with Christine (mentor/friend 3), and spent the rest of the day with Megan, the Birthday girl. Saturday, Heather and I (along with a couple others) went to lunch and a movie and then went home to her family's, went shopping for Superbowl with the girls, went to coffee with Brad and Rebekah, and then to bed. Sunday was Church and the Superbowl. And then I left. Boo. On the upside, I got to see some friends and the Well when I got in town. Including this man:


This post is kinda list-y, and for that I apologize, but the refreshing that my soul received cannot be overstated. And I'll write some specific thoughts later. But for now, I must rest.

Peace,
AA

Sick!

Hey guys, wouldya mind calling on the name of our awesome God for me? I got called into work tonight (which is sweeeeet! totally an answer to prayer!) and about an hour into my shift felt as though I was going to die... or pass out. It was horrible! I was the only one there and there were so many customers waiting. Oh man, it was a rough night! BUT, I started to feel a little better and soon another coworker came in to work with me for a couple hours and then a good buddy of mine came and chilled, just in case I felt really sick again. Thankfully, I only had to "episodes" and was able to finish the night. But! I still don't feel all that fabulous and I get to be back at work in just 8 hours! Whoa buddy! So, your prayers are totally appreciated! Please, let me know if you're praying for me, even if only for a moment. I want to thank God specifically for YOU!

Peace,

Asher

Random Moments of Happy

A friend of mine spent 3.5 months in Siberia this Summer.  He got home a couple weeks ago and gave me a call, letting me know he was home but would be leaving in a week for Oregon where he'd interview for a long-term missions stay in Siberia. Sweet, right?!  That meant we wouldn't see each other til after September 1.  

Well, being that it was Sept. 2 he was on my mind on Sunday.  I decided not to call him because I didn't want to overwhelm him.  I was washing dishes tonight at the Well and I felt my partner standing next to me, so I look up... only it's not my partner, it's Eric!  I was/am so excited!  We swapped summer stories.  He forced me to talk about me... but all I wanted to do was hear about Siberia.  I compromised and vaguely explained my summer.  Then he shared about Siberia.  I'm so happy he's home!   Before we parted ways he made sure I knew I hadn't escaped talking about my summer.  eh.  Anyway, Eric's back.  And although we'll need to do some creative scheduling in order to hang out, I look forward to our friendship again!  And hopefully his faith will encourage me.  =)

I really need to get to bed now.  Night!

Asher

Boys, Girls, & Sewing

Lindsey and I decided to be random and we went to Walmart, got fabric and other such things, called Aza, Adam, and Jess and came back to my house. It's now about 10:30pm. We told the guys when we called them that we'd be sewing. They came anyway. And the guys (Adam & Aza) spent the next 45 minutes or so figuring out how to use a sewing machine. We girls figured that since guys like contraptions, we'd leave them to it. They figured it out and then spent the rest of the night teaching me how to sew with a sewing machine.

Adam kept saying, "Asher! Slow. Be patient." (he's got me pegged already...)

hehehe...

And at one point he told me not to talk. I was apologizing for not getting it right away. When Adam said this Aza started laughing... along with everyone else. They just left. It's been a good night. And the guys taught me how to sew. It was great. A bunch of 20-somethings sitting around teaching ourselves life skills that we wish we knew how to do. Even the guys! Just goes to show that I belong to a generation of overcomers. =)

I'm making a messenger bag. I'll post pics of my masterpiece when I finish it. (it'll be several days, probably)

An unrelated pic: My baby brother (15) and his girlfriend. I'm so in love with this kid. He makes me so proud. Plus, look how CUTE he is??? And, he's talented and sweet-hearted. Definitely a lover and not a fighter. Okay. Enough mush from the big sister. Here's the pic:


(he doesn't know I have this pic... smiles)


Peace... and sleep.


Asher

Friends

Alright. It's been a rough 72 hours. Neck injuries, conflict at work, missing work from sickness, Dr's bills...

It's been a hefty bit to carry.

I bought shoes today. much needed, as the soles of my old ones were wearing off. Then I cleaned. And then hung out with a couple friends from out of town for dinner and such. Afterwards I was feeling the intense desire to be alone. So I parted with them and went for a walk downtown. I ended up in Horizon reading kids books. It was a good time. I then went home and informed Aza that I wasn't up to playing games and I'd see him later. I went to bed. It was 8:30pm. I just didn;t want to do anything but sleep and be alone.

But the Nistha (Knee-sh-tah) called and asked where I was. "In bed," was my response. "Why?" he probed. "Because I don't feel like doing anything."

"Can I persuade you to come?"
*sigh* "Maybe"
"I was really hoping you'd be there. I have something for you."
"Do you really want me there?"
"Yes."

So I got up and went. And we had ice cream and coconut rum drinks and I played my worst game of settlers ever. it was brutal. Especially because last time I played I kicked everyone's butt. I think I ended with 6 points? I had 8 but my longest road was stolen in the last move of the game. Not to mention that I kept rolling 7's and needing to discard half my hand right before I was going to make a big move. It seriously happened three times. But let's not go there any further.

So you might be wondering what Nistha had for me. Well, when he got there he handed me a check. I tried to give it back and protested, but he was kinda ignoring my pleas. So I said thank you and gave him a big hug. When I looked at it later I discovered that the check more than covers the medical expenses I acquired and will acquire for my neck injury.

O.o

And... I had a great time. =)

So I owe a thanks to 'Shta for dragging me out of bed, making me be social, and for paying for my medical expenses!

-Asher

The Wounds of Gossip

A Post Disclaimer: I'm brutally honest here, so read on understanding that this is a real and very present issue in my life and the lives of so many around me. Also understand that I love people. This is a post done out of sincere love and concern for a epidemic.

____

Gossip. It's pretty much ridiculous, folks. There is not an ounce of good that gossip inherently does for anyone.

For the past 8 weeks or so, everyone and their brother has developed an opinion of me and willingly told others about said opinion. Only twice in those eight weeks has anyone been courteous enough to actually talk to me about their opinions and/or concerns. One of these was resolved and changes were made. The other of these I sought to fix and discovered that my efforts, although I had submitted to the wishes of the authority involved, weren't enough because they had their own perceptions set in their mind and heart. It's heartbreaking, let me assure you, and led to my leaving a ministry that I love and believe in.

2 months since the beginning of all of this rumor and gossip (or at least, my awareness of it), I had figured it was finally settling and people were "moving on." Last night I discovered that a few people were still gnawing at gossip at spewing anger and bitterness about me towards anyone willing to listen.

Now, it must be said, I am not innocent in this situation. At it's beginning, I too was angry and hurt and handled myself poorly. I have asked for forgiveness and have since avoided malicious and hurtful speech, as well as not discussing information that isn't common knowledge. Unfortunately, my efforts aren't reciprocated completely by all individuals, and I have lost friends that weren't even involved in the original conflict. It's hurtful and unfair to all involved. Trust is all but destroyed in several of my relationships. Lies have been told, confidence broken, and spirits crushed. Relationships that were once so precious and beautiful are left bleeding and bruised and I'm wondering if there's hope for recovery.

This all written to remind you... men and women, that meddling in the affairs of others is not acceptable and does not encourage health and wholeness. When you choose to entertain stories about another you are choosing faith in something other than the sacredness of the relationship you have cultivated with that individual. When you go to others for information, when you determine the truth before looking for the evidence and then seek out the facts that support your position you are not seeking truth and honesty. You have forgotten that our allegiance is to the body of Christ as a whole.

Each human being on this Earth is sacred and precious to God. When you (you = the infinitive form) determine "truth" about anyone... and that can be any "truth"... you are under-minding that person's unique beauty and assigning to them your own truth. You have no grounds for such a judgment. When you speak out maliciously and falsely about another you are pronouncing death, instead of life (the Bible speaks of the power of life and death residing in the tongue), judgment, instead of grace, and hate, instead of love.

When I was younger I was told to ignore the hateful words, slurs, and rumors of my peers. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." If you've ever been gossiped over, taunted or teased, you know that this adage adults feed children is all-together false. Having experienced both, I'd rather be sucker-punched than spoken falsely about. Emotional wounds last linger far longer than physical wounds because they touch our eternal core, our soul. Be careful, my friends, be so so careful. Error on the side of caution, here. Gossip is a tool of Satan; it steals, kills, and destroys. It creates fear, dissension, feeds malices, destroys relationships, robs innocence, and fosters inferiority in the heart of the victims.

I'm lucky in this whole process. God has been faithful and He is reminding me that it doesn't matter what others think or say about me. I am His. I am beautiful, loved, significant, valuable, holy, and good enough for Him. And though it stings to be rejected by those whose words were once "I love you," at the end of the day His opinion is all that matters. He is my validation and He never fails.

People, if you are gossiping about others, please stop to consider the consequences. Really, no one wins. It might even feel like a good release at first, but it poisons you, it makes you bitter... and it destroys life... it destroys God's most precious creation. If you are angry, if you are concerned, go to the person, get your info first hand. Everything else will only end in tears.

The Ache of Betrayal

I can only begin to imagine the pain Jesus experienced when Judas leaned over, kissed him, and in essence, handed him over to be killed. Ugh. Betrayal, rejection... tools of hatred.

Like I said, I can only begin to imagine the pain...

But I can begin...

The past few weeks have found me trapped in a vicious cycle People get an idea in their head, and despite all efforts, they will believe what they will... and poor leadership only feeds the cycle. I am forming a strong opinion along the lines of "A person cannot be an effective leader if they first do not take a basic counseling class and adequately master conflict resolution and problem solving."

Do you remember the scene from anger management where everyone insists he's having a bad day/angry, and by the end of the meeting he's flipping out? Yeah, that's how I feel, only it's more a feeling of brokenness and worthlessness... Gossip is so incredibly destructive, folks... there are guidelines in the New Testament for conflict resolution... we can only hope that they're there because there are the best way to handle inevitable conflict that humans will have to cope with.

1. Go to the person you're hurt/angry/concerned with DIRECTLY. Tell them in a respectful manner what the deal is.
2. IF that doesn't work, take another trusted friend with you (though I repeat step one a couple times, to be honest)
3. If that doesn't work, take them before the community. And sense we know that Jesus' life was about love and freedom, we can only assume that is how the community should act and respond.
4. If that doesn't work, they are "set" outside the community and treated as an unbeliever. How does a believer treat an unbeliever? With patience, love, persistence. Not condemnation.

For me, none of these steps were followed... Gossip bites, folks. It hurts, it kills, destroys. It
harms relationships. Honesty and authenticity and real relationships become impossible. Right
now I don't know who I can trust. I don't want to go to my favorite places because I fear
running into someone who failed to be real with me, who has false ideas about me and won't
consider my story as truth... they didn't even try once. I don't tell you folks this to be all "woe is
me," but I want you to really consider how you handle gossip & conflict. It really really bites
when gossip causes you to lose trust in those you love.

Please learn from my situation. If you value the people in your life, be real with them. Go to
them, not others. Any other option only results in hurt and destroyed trust. And believe me,
trust built once is difficult enough, but rebuilding trust after an earthquake such as this 100
times more difficult, and will never be as whole as it was the first time around.

-Asher

"Do I look surprised?"

Every once and a while I get pretty down about my family situation. Mind you, I love my family, but there are so many deep-rooted issues that keep us running in circles in terms of our relationships. I say "us" because although I am ready and willing to deal with whatever needs dealing with, but they are not. They don't even see the problem(s). Now, as a 23 year-old woman holding a very hard-earned Bachelor of Science degree, living on my own (plus a roomie), I don't need to be in the center of the issue, I can, more often than not, live my life unaffected by the crap that engulfs them. I still have my issues from when I was a tot, and those, to some degree, will always remain, but I need not take on more.

Whether you view it as fortunate or not, however, they are still my family, and the ongoings occassionally bother me deeply. Lately I have been more affected by "family issues" and I am discovering a surprising thing: there are friends of mine that are amazing family members, who love me even on my days where I need reassurance every 20 minutes. Anyone else ever have days like that? I sure do. And in response to my days I hear things like, "I love you," "You're not bothering me," and, "You're safe here." Mmm... comforting words!

But it's not always sweet-love. I've experienced my share of tough-love, too. I was recounting a conversation that had me upset to a friend, and they turned to me and said, "Asher, do I look surprised?" (shocked, I shake my head no) "You shouldn't be either. Your family will probably always be like this, you need to accept that." (awkward pause *here*) They're right, I've known that for a long time, others have known it, too, I'm sure. But no one's had the guts to just come out and say it... until a couple of days ago, anyway.

The cool thing about this situation is that I am not without family. As cheesy as it sounds, I have the family of God, and a specific group of them are continuously challenging my understanding of unconditional love, and showing me that they desire my freedom and healing just as badly as I desire theirs.

I know my situation isn't unique, so if you can relate to my "situation" with my family, I want to encourage you to find sanctuary in the family of God; we're not perfect, and some Christians down-right suck, but there are many out there that are longing to develop lasting relationships that encourage, heal, and bless. Please please, seek it out. Fight for it. It's worth it, I can say that much.

Hide & Seek

Tonight was AMAZING!

I had a pretty relaxing, semi-productive afternoon, and then I met up with Jordan and Andy at Borders to finish our discussion questions for college group.

After college group (which I went to because I got called off of work) Andy, Jordan, Ashley and I headed back to my place where we ate dinner and an entire half gallon of Edy's slow churned french silk ice cream... yeah... Jordan ate most of it, lol. Anyway, after that we decided to play hide & seek in the dark. It was hilarious. One time I found Ashley hiding IN THE DRYER.... grown, 5'2'' woman fit herself completely into my standard-sized dryer... lol, no joke... I have pictures. I'll upload them at some point... like when it's not 3:31 in the morning... You might think hide n' seek is only fun for little kids, but trust me, with a little bit of creative thinking, the hiding spots only get better! = )

Have I mentioned that I love my friends? Yeah, I pretty much do.

After hide-n-seek things got more intimate and Jordan and I ended up holding two very tearful friends that we love dearly... for about two hours... it was pretty much intense. I did more concentrated hugging and praying in that two hours than I've done all month, which is pretty darn impressive, if you ask me.

I wouldn't trade tonight for the world, really. I mean, yeah, it wasn't what we had thought would happen, but it was what needed to happen, and I am so blessed by tonight I'm not really sure I can explain. It was life. It was real. It was open. It was authentic. And there's simply not a thing more beautiful than that!

Hide & seek pretty much rocked my socks, folks. I'm not kidding.

Sleep well. I think my adrenaline might be subsiding a bit now and sleep might be a wee bit more possible for me, now.

Love,

Asher

Hi.

So, what's goin on?