What does the future hold?

I have had tentative plans to move to Grand Rapids this summer since November-December of 2007. There are many reasons for this. Traverse City seems too small. I desperately miss my friends and mentors downstate. I can imagine what Paul felt when he said, "I long to be with you." The ache is insane and unrelenting. The job market up here... what job market?

And as much as I love my church here and my students... they are soooo beautiful and precious and amazing and they have more faith at 14, 15, 16 than I have at 24 and a half... I feel misfit. Despite my pleading and praying I've got no one pouring into me on a regular basis (apart from youth leadership stuff) so that I can have accountability and a safe place to be real, authentic, even on the bad days. Right now things are good; I love mentoring students and drying their tears and embarrassing them with praise when they step out on the limb, no matter the outcome. I love promoting life. I love stirring up the happiness, the dreams and hopes and what ifs within them. I love seeing them worship God and tell others about Jesus. I can hardly contain my joy when I see them serving a stranger or offering to pray when someone is sick. And this week is baptisms. I am beside myself excited! Yes, things are good.

But things are also not so good. My family is going through a lot of junk right now. With my dad a self-employed builder/contractor, and the housing industry in what seems a never-ending slump, they have no money. And I have even less. I can't seem to find a steady job in this town that fits not only my passions and giftings, but is also sensitive to my physical challenges. I know that society will eventually change, but I guess I'm a bit ahead of the game. And I am in desperate need of a mentor in the flesh and blood. I have been pleading and praying since early fall of last year.

So the move would hopefully provide me with a community of those who love me and can pour into me. It would also increase my ability to find a good job. Not to mention that living in Grand Rapids is waaaay cheaper than living in TC, despite the fact that GR has city tax and TC doesn't. That's right, folks: MY birthplace is your vacation.

Well, all that to say: I received word tonight that the plans I've hoped on may not be able to come to fruition. It's not per lack of desire on the other person's part, but a difficult and potentially unavoidable situation. So I am not angry. But I am sad. Really sad. I want to believe in TC as my home, but when I'm honest, GR is the only place I've EVER felt truly at home in all the ways one feels at home when they are there.

And the heartbreak brings tears.

Despite my best efforts to remember that God has a great plan developed in His all-knowingness, it hurts in the depth of my soul.