What does the future hold?

I have had tentative plans to move to Grand Rapids this summer since November-December of 2007. There are many reasons for this. Traverse City seems too small. I desperately miss my friends and mentors downstate. I can imagine what Paul felt when he said, "I long to be with you." The ache is insane and unrelenting. The job market up here... what job market?

And as much as I love my church here and my students... they are soooo beautiful and precious and amazing and they have more faith at 14, 15, 16 than I have at 24 and a half... I feel misfit. Despite my pleading and praying I've got no one pouring into me on a regular basis (apart from youth leadership stuff) so that I can have accountability and a safe place to be real, authentic, even on the bad days. Right now things are good; I love mentoring students and drying their tears and embarrassing them with praise when they step out on the limb, no matter the outcome. I love promoting life. I love stirring up the happiness, the dreams and hopes and what ifs within them. I love seeing them worship God and tell others about Jesus. I can hardly contain my joy when I see them serving a stranger or offering to pray when someone is sick. And this week is baptisms. I am beside myself excited! Yes, things are good.

But things are also not so good. My family is going through a lot of junk right now. With my dad a self-employed builder/contractor, and the housing industry in what seems a never-ending slump, they have no money. And I have even less. I can't seem to find a steady job in this town that fits not only my passions and giftings, but is also sensitive to my physical challenges. I know that society will eventually change, but I guess I'm a bit ahead of the game. And I am in desperate need of a mentor in the flesh and blood. I have been pleading and praying since early fall of last year.

So the move would hopefully provide me with a community of those who love me and can pour into me. It would also increase my ability to find a good job. Not to mention that living in Grand Rapids is waaaay cheaper than living in TC, despite the fact that GR has city tax and TC doesn't. That's right, folks: MY birthplace is your vacation.

Well, all that to say: I received word tonight that the plans I've hoped on may not be able to come to fruition. It's not per lack of desire on the other person's part, but a difficult and potentially unavoidable situation. So I am not angry. But I am sad. Really sad. I want to believe in TC as my home, but when I'm honest, GR is the only place I've EVER felt truly at home in all the ways one feels at home when they are there.

And the heartbreak brings tears.

Despite my best efforts to remember that God has a great plan developed in His all-knowingness, it hurts in the depth of my soul.

Home before Midnight

For the first time in a week. It's weird. But the recently acquired accountability is good for reminding me of many things... going to bed being one of them.

I'm looking for something real. Something that inspires. Seen it anywhere? Because apparently I've gone from being super worried about all things... to lackadaisical about the things that "matter." Just a thought.

In other news, I finished my messenger bag today! woot woot! I reeeaaallly like it. It was definitely a learning experience, though. There are definitely easier ways to do what I accomplished... but being that I taught myself it's okay. Besides, I learn best by doing and experimenting... not theory. It's far from perfect. And that's okay because it doesn't need to be!

I'm looking at another cross-country move... maybe. If I don't get the job at Keswick, or another strong lead in Michigan, by October-November I'll be on the move. Mostly because I won't have anywhere to live, but also because Traverse City doesn't have the resources I need to "move forward." Its pretty cool that I actually want to move. Definitely proof that I've grown and healed since NH.

One of my move options is California. This is a very real possiblity. A friend of mine, Lindsey, hopes to move out there by fall and we figure it'll be easier to make the move together. I can transfer with Old Navy and look for another job when I get there and she's on the prowel now. The other move option is Georgia. One of the coolest YPs there is (Drew!) lives out there with his family now. I was an intern for his youth ministry in Grand Rapids but he remains a great friend and spiritual guide. I'm not sure how immediate of a possibility that is, though. And there's also Chicago. But the most possible one is California, oddly enough. We'll see. If there's one thing I've learned over the past year it's not to count on anything until it is happening and to not hold on to it too tightly because life is very fluid.

I'm going to bed now. I think I could sleep for a week... but I'll settle for 11 hours =)

Peace

Asher

This Weekend

Thursday
Arrive in GR around 9pm
Stay with Heather Miller in Keithley

Friday
Breakfast w/Larry
Lunch w/PR (one of the YPs I interned with)
Dinner w/Brandon Calvin, Josh Austin, & Heather Miller (& perhaps a few others!)

Saturday
Breakfast w/Rachel Deater
Lunch with the AMAZING Alyssa Dejong (one of my girls from my internship!)
Movies with Heather & her sister
Dinner with the Millers
Fall party thing at their church?


So far, so good... lots of food in the forcast, lol...

Relationships take investment... and although most of these people arent in the same boxes they were a few months ago, they are extremely important to me and I hope to be able to nurture the significance of our relationship!

Anyhow, there are plently of times that we can get together still... so if you want to, let me know, k? Dinner on Friday is both open AND closed... the more the merrier, but not necessarily just anyone... ya know?

-Asher