Brilliance

Earlier tonight, while discussing the end times together...

Friend/Mentor: Who was Jesus speaking to?
Me: (drawing a blank, trying to save face) The people who were listening...?


I am a genius. Now if only I had thought of that answer while in college... no matter, I didn't take CF 1, 2 or Gospel Lit, so it wouldn't have really mattered

(right now all my fellow majors are jealous and wondering how I escaped CF 1 & 2... well, I did a lot of correspondance/IS through a super-cheap bible school. It was like $63 dollars/class and they transfered in 3 or 4 credits a piece. I also managed to evaded Theology 1 that way, as well. Mmmmhmmm. The downside? I did really well in all those classes and couldn't transfer in my GPA in order to raise it. LAAAAMEEEE... )

the Homeless

I gotta admit, I'm an uber-compassionate one. So generally, when I see someone down on there luck, I instantly want to help. My friend Don (Grand Rapids) told me once that this was because I had a heart the size of his office. I wish this was as much a complement today as it was back then. My super-sized heart gets me into a lot of interesting situations with enormous potential to wound it for a while to come. Because of this compassion, it might be able to assume that I am drawn to the homeless. Unfortunately, I must admit that most homeless people make me nervous. You have no idea how sad this makes me, but it's true. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about serving those who are homeless or don't have everything they should have, but I can't do it alone.

Last winter, while working at the Well, I had several "encounters" with a homeless man who was one step shy of being committed. From the get-go he showed signs of aggression, but we did our best to give the guy some company and warm drinks. Eventually, things got out of hand and one night he got hostile with me, threatening me. One of the wellers called the police (who came and rescued me!) and the church (who owns the building we use for the well) got a restraining order against him, banning him from all church property.

This winter things have been relatively calm. Except for tonight. Tonight I wasn't even working at the Well. Tonight I had hoped to sit down outside before we opened and read. But there was a homeless man outside and he started talking. And then crying. And then invading my personal space. Proceeding to tell me that he would protect me and give me whatever I needed and it kept getting more and more creepy from there.

Eventually I decide that it is safer for me to be inside the well, so I go in and make sure the door is locked behind me. Just a few minutes later I hear him knocking on the door and trying to get in. I shout that we aren't open yet and he asks if he can come in anyway. No, I said. He says something else and I decide to just walk away eventually, he stepped away from the door.
I thought that would be the end of it, but just in case, I call the guy who was suppose to open and he tells me he'll be there soon. Sweet. I look up and the man is now trying to get in from the front door. So from that point on I sat on our kitchen floor, hidden from the view of windows and doors and called a friend of mine on vacation. He and some of his buddies talk with me until the opening guy arrived.

But the saga doesn't end there. Oh no, it continues. The man comes in a bit later and starts talking to me and Red (this big, dad looking fellow who works at the well) comes around the corner and takes over the convo. The guy weeps and gets loud and it was just hard to handle. But Red did a good job. And I'm still alive. Always a bonus.

That's pretty much the story.

Bug Watching

There is a bug crawling across my wall. I have been watching its slow, steady migration. Yeah, I am just that exciting...

On a more interesting note: some pics from easter weekend!

Kristin came to visit for the weekend! I love these two pics.
Above: happy faces
below: serious, studious, intense-type faces

And the last one: a fairly subdued me @ cracker barrel.

Okay, it seriously sounds like someone is digging up the sidewalk. I'm going to go investigate.

And then go to bed.

Night!

Momentum

Hi friends.

Just thought I'd let you all know that I'm gaining serious momentum in the realm of writing. I sit down, I think, it flows, I write. Pretty good system, if you ask me.

So, I'm focusing my energies on that (meaning less entries here, perhaps) and I am also looking for a couple (2) people that are creative and one that has a like-mind and one a bit varied from mine to look over and help me improve my paragraphs. I need you both to be gentle, but honest, and to remember that I am more about the spirit and message of a writing than I am about grammar and punctuation, so sometimes I break the rules intentionally. I need people who will be compassionate yet forward and who will seek to protect the essence of my work, just as I would.

I have no clue if any of this makes sense, but I am tired, so let's pretend it does.

Umm... so if you are willing, let me know.

How it went

I meant to not post that last post because my words werent forming anything coherent. But since it's been commented on, I won't delete it.

I survived. The kids did awesome. I am soooooo rusty. I need to work on staying on track when people interrupt me (I don't mind that much, I just lose my train of thought.) The good thing is that the kids were amazing. I could tell they were getting it and they were attentive and positive.

And they loved the games. Even the atomic marble one. It took them FoReVeR, but they persevered and got it. I am so proud of our students!!!

In conclusion: I need a shoulder to cry on. Not a bad cry, but a cry of release.

I don't want to say much more because the whole self-criticalness is kicking in, but the big thing is that I stared fear in the face and went for it. And for that grace and strength, I thank God.

I am so tired.

I realized that I am a little stretched last night. I was downtown, leaving work after closing and I drove by a couple friends. We ended up grabbing a bite to eat. And as talked, this need for space hit me like a hungry tiger or something. It was one of the most intense desires I've had recently. So I called and cancelled a 1-1 for this morning, giving me a chance to breathe before starting my day. It also gives me a chance to pre-make dinner so I can eat at the church before youth and get some time-sensitive errands taken care of, as well. And tomorrow? I am going to rest! I am going to do whatever I want to do, I'm gonna sleep in, I'm gonna... be! I. am. so. excited.

The past few weeks I've gone from absolutely bored and lounging around to... whooa responsibility! It's crazy and exhausting, but I love it. I feel alive again, like I'm in (or getting there) my groove. And I know I won't feel as tired once I adjust, so I am looking forward to that.

The schedule and deadlines and built in accountability are really good for me. And, the leaders I am a part of are AMAZING people who have a heart for youth and are committed to the youth ministry. They are fun, creative, loving people that I have so much respect for.

For my friends that do read this, here's a rundown of what I'm working on right now:

• The 26th (two weeks) we're having a gwap night (games with a purpose). I'm orchestrating it and planning on doing the atomic marble game and another game that really doesn't have a name. It'll be something different and fun for the students. In between games we're gonna have discussion and mini lessons, and up until Monday I was under the impression the youth pastor was doing that, but apparently not so much. It'll be me! So I'm pretty excited! And nervous! It'll be the first time I've spoken since August 06, and first time since March 1 06 that I've taught at a youth group.
• I'm helping to develop a small group system for the youth group, something they've never had before. This seems to be a developing them in my go with youth ministry. And I looove it!
• Along with another leader, helping to get a last-minute trip to chicago on the go.
  
• And last, but not least: this curriculum thing for my pastor. It's driving me OUT OF MY SKULL. By far the most challenging project I've ever done. And that's saying something. But challenge is good and I've just got to find the right way to conquer this thing.
  

It's off to pre-make that dinner!

-a titleless post-

(If you have a title idea after reading this, please let me know)

1 In that day this song will be sung in the land of Judah:
We have a strong city;
God makes salvation
its walls and ramparts.

2 Open the gates
that the righteous nation may enter,
the nation that keeps faith.

3 You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.

4 Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
[Isaiah 26]

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
[Philippians]

Apostle Paul is what we'll call "a smart man." And this particular smart man new his old testament. A devout Jew and former killer of the followers of "the Way," Paul had a great and vast knowledge to access when he wrote his letters to the young, developing church. It seems the OT folks needed to remember that God is God, enthroned and in control, watching over His beloved people .

Tonight I am meditating on the verses above. A couple days ago I found out some earth-shaking news that has me bewildered, to say the least. And even more disorienting is the fact that a few days prior to that I came to some very big, important, life-changing realizations, not the least of which is that I am actually loved and valued for real. I've known this for a long time... but now I know it. Like, deep in the core and guts of who I am. I know this.

So, along with remembering that God is nothing less than God; all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present, all-loving, I am also left to mull over how to maintain joy, real, authentic joy, in the midst of tragedy and confusion.

A divine paradox.

Both are equally present: mourning and sadness & joy and enthusiasm. I want to both dance for joy and hide my face before God, desperate for His intervention. And within this supernatural paradox, I am discovering that I, a woman of countless failures and imperfections, have what it takes to be faithful, to persevere, not because of my strength, but because the one who created me, the one who loves me, is nearer than a breath and He sustains me in all things.

Let's quote our smart man again, shall we?

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we^[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. [Romans 5]

Shalom, my friends.

All walls down

I like to write when I'm exhausted. My walls are down, the masks are in bed, and I am free, if by no other cause than a complete lack of energy, to be entirely honest. When I'm rested my head gets in the way of my heart, if you know what I mean.

So hmm... I'm no longer with Nicholas. Not gonna lie, it's a roller coaster ride. But the weird thing is I'm not taking it as if I'm not beautiful or good enough. I mean, I worry about whether or not I did something wrong or he suddenly saw something he couldn't stand, but really, that's not my biggest fear, either. My biggest fear is not having him as a friend. I fear that we won't be able to continue on where we were before. I realize that it won't be the same, but something close to it...like almost the same would be good.

I worked at the well tonight. My hope in agreeing to do so was that it would distract me from my wounded heart. For the most part, it did just that. However, since Nicholas and I spend lots of time there, you can imagine that there were challenging moments. After Sal and I were done shutting everything down for the night we stayed and chatted with a few patrons. I was reading the staff journal (to myself) and there was a question that asked, "what is your favorite memory at the well?"

If I were to respond, I may say something like this,

"Several years ago, before I left for college, before I became 'Asher', the Well was alive with conversation and curiosity. The sheer diversity and quirkiness of both the staff and Wellers provided an endless source for both deep conversations and relationships. It was not unheard of, back then, for the staff at the time to kick Aza, Amanda, myself and many others, out so they could head to bed. And on the cool summer nights we would sit in the parking lot talking and listening, utterly oblivious to the passing time until someone would notice a lightening in the night sky's blue. Lighter and lighter and then there was purple haze, and pink, and then orange... and the sun would rise. In a slothful panic we would remember our jobs, our meetings, our classes, say 'goodnight' and part ways, hoping for two, maybe three hours of sleep before the demands of life began again.

We were blissfully unaware, in so many ways, of how unusual our ritual was. No one had yet told us how dysfunctional we all were, or if they had, we had failed to listen. We knew little of boundaries and balance and even self-love, but we had something that I can say I truly miss: a belief, naive as it may have been, that we could change the world, that we had it within our hearts, minds, and spirits to change the world for the better.

Now, five and a half years later, the dreams of a better world, of infinite possibilities, are buried beneath wounds, and failed attempts and educated theories. I can no longer look at a situation and think, "I can fix this! This I can change!" Instead, my degree-holding mind reminds me that failure is emanate, that the world can't really be fixed with belief and hope and a new program. My wounded heart tells me that I cannot succeed because I have failed and because I am too imperfect for anyone to take seriously. My friends, too, dream a little less. And if they have not yet stopped dreaming, they have spoken less and less of it, for our naive dreams were met with cynicism and doubt, and the fear of foolishness lingers just below the surface.

My favorite memory of the Well of the past is also my prayer and hope for the Well of the future: That we may begin to dream again, and that we would dream dreams that are larger than life and believe that we, even in our imperfections and failed attempts, our strong and able to take a stand for something and change the world around us in ways that others cannot fathom. May we begin to remember the beauty and necessity of conversations and relationships so good that they land us sitting on pavement at 5 in the morning, watching the sun wake from its slumber. May we never forget that it is the dreamers that the world depends upon to deliver us from our fatal prison of cynicism."

success!

Well, I managed to live in one location for an entire year!  Almost to the day!  And now that I reached that rather rare milestone in my life, it's come to an end.

The move last night didn't take more than 1.5hrs once Deandra and Aza arrived.  Mostly because I didn't want to call Jason to bring his car over until I knew we were ready.  So we had a 25 minute intermission.  Many hands... and hearts... make life so much easier.

Afterwards we went on a drive looking for movies and ice cream.  We ended up playing "STOP!" (you drive around until someone says "stop" and then you go into whatever store you're near) Admittedly, it was a short go of the game, but it was fun, nonetheless.  We came back here to the condo, ate pasta, cherry wine, and ice cream and played Euchre.  My roommate left for California at 6am today, so I have the condo to myself for a few days.  Yesterday (us both being home and awake at the same time) will be an extreme rarity.  

I like it here, though.  They're incredibly laid-back.  And clean.  I'm keeping my eyes open for something else, though.  So don't forget to let me know if you spot anything.  And don't forget about the futon, too.  I slept better last night than I have in a long time.  YAY!

I need to go get ready for another fabulous shift at Espresso Bay.

A deceitful calm

8:03pm.  It's been a looooong day and I am tired!  Very tired!  I have a lot of stuff in boxes.  A lot of stuff will stay behind since I don't know how long I'll be where I'm going.  I went through my books and pulled out the ones I haven't read and the ones I'm most likely to read again.  All my clothes are "packed."  My mugs and coffee are packed, etc.  I'm kinda at a loss as to what still needs to be done.  I'm hoping my friends, who will be here in about 45 minutes, will be able to cheer me on.  I think I need a nap!  I am thankful that I don't work until Noon tomorrow.  I should probably tackle my bathroom a bit more.  And my mac, along with my other "toys" (including a couple stuffed animals!) will come with me. I haven't figured out how to transport my dresser.  And I'm still in the market for a bed.   I thought that a futon would be a good way to go, since it's fairly versatile...   But it turns out they're hard to come by.  I would need to order one off line, which is fine... I'm just not use to making big purchases.  They make me nervous.

My new housemate called and offered to pick me up some food tonight.  Thoughtful, definitely.  But I had already conned my grandparents into pizza for dinner.  Man... I am tired!

vay-kay-shun

Don't you just LOVE the English language? ...

After experiencing my WORST birthday to date I frolicked my way down to GR for some Sabbath and community.  I read once in a book by Nouwen that to one often has to look outside of the community they exist in to find the things they need (Asher's paraphrase).  I find this true.  But only because I don't live in GR. ;-)  (the book is The Inner Voice of Love. It really helped me when I moved back from New Hampshire)

For those that don't know, God used Grand Rapids to save my life.  And although I can't say in any certain terms that the salvation was physical, it was, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me.  During my time in GR I discovered hidden darkness, ignored wounds, and a plethora of other such unpleasant things.  The reason these discoveries were good is that I had amazing friends and mentors who loved me to healing & truth.  I had a confidence I had once only dreamed of.  In retrospect, it would have been better to move back to GR after NH.  And apparently Aza's been saying that ever since I moved back.   (I don't recall that.  But I'll trust him here)  

This most recent trip was for two reasons.  1) Sabbath.  2) Celebrating my birthday.  And I am glad to say, that after a month with no real break, I rested.  And after the worst birthday in the history of Asher, I had amazing birthday celebrations with good friends who really are family.

Friday I hung out with Larry and we had amazing Chinese, played a game, talked.  Then there was game day.  I only had enough "E" left in me for two games.  The first I won!  After that I found a corner and read.  Later Heather, Kelli, and I went out to dinner at TGI Fridays.  Collectively, we had nine to-go boxes.  Go us!  

Saturday was my day to hang out with two of my favorite teens, ever.  Katie & Alyssa.  Well, Katie and I were suppose to do breakfast, but she ended up being grounded.  ooops.  I did get to see her for a few minutes, at least.  Then Jim, Momo, & I had lunch.  Good times.  Then it was time for me to frolic off to Grandville to find Alyssa's home.  I had rough directions, but they were of little help.  After a good hunt, I recognized some street names from nearly two years ago when I interned! I found the house.  Woot!(side note: she was grounded, too!  we almost didn't see each other!  whoops.  her mom reconsidered at the last minute, though.)  Alyssa & I spent our time at Starbucks talking and laughing.  I miss her already.  During that conversation I remembered exactly why I majored in Youth Ministry.  And there's nothing... NOTHING in the world I'd rather do!  

Alyssa & I

Saturday night Megan & I hung out.  There's another woman I missed like crazy.  She means so much to me.  We grabbed a pizza from Papa Murphy's and went back to her place and chatted.  She is one of the few people I can be completely me and at peace around.  Her boyfriend came by and I got to know him.  He's a great guy, and I'm so happy for her.  The three of us tried stumping each other with riddles and tricks and then we watched Stranger than Fiction. I loved it!  Then Megan & I drove around and talked before she dropped me off.  

Sunday was an "oops" day.  I got LOST on the way to Mars Hill.  No, I'm not going to explain.  I didn't end up going, though.  It was sad.  I spent the afternoon with Heather's family.  I won at monopoly! WOOOHOOOOOO!  I never win.  And we play every time I come over.  About time.   After dinner we all went to town and got dessert in honor of my birthday!  YAY.  The only cake/ice cream I had in honor of it, this year.  So I've decided that this year my birthday wasn't really on the 25th.. but the 28th, 29th, and 30th.  I stayed an extra night and got up this morning, drove north, and went to work.  And now it's back to the work-sleep cycle that is my life.  

I am hoping I can move to GR in the Spring.  Although, I'm not really sure.  I haven't prayed about it at all.  All I know is that I fit a lot better there than I do here!

Asher

ps- I found out Thursday night that my best friend is having a BOY.  Ahhhh!  yay.

Birthday-ness

In all honesty... this birthday really wasn't much different than most days.  Other than having 30 or so people wish me happy birthday on facebook, getting a free dessert from Borders, and my Dad leaving me a happy birthday message, the day was pretty standard... and slightly negative.  I went to the Dentist, worked, etc.  Not much of a Birthday, really.  I even got to cap it off with a messy, authentic, conflict resolution conversation that really didn't fold up nicely at the end as my friend would have hoped. 

But my one piece of positiveness from the day is this:  I received a RAISE today @ Espresso Bay.  My boss told me today, but it's effective as of yesterday.  =)  It's kind of cool.  I haven't even been with them two months and, with tips, I'm making far more than I make at Old Navy (where I've worked for a year).  The raise will really help!  I'm so thankful.

T-minus 3 days.

Asher

Milestones

August 13 marked a year since I spoke at Keystone.  That was my last teaching.  (I'm itching to get back at it, too)  

August 17 marked a year since I moved to New Hampshire.

September 22nd will mark a year since I gave up and moved back to Michigan.

September 25th will mark 24 years of life

September 26th will mark 1 full year with Gap, Inc (Old Navy Outlet 2891)

Please keep me in your prayers as I move through these bitter-sweet milestones.  Pray that I would give myself grace and love and not judgment and harshness.

Asher

The "good" of a good day

Technically, the day isn't over.  Buuuut, I've had a great one so far, even though some less-than-ideal events occurred.

• Lunch @ Mongolian BBQ with Shannon.  I splurged on dessert.  We both enjoyed.  Mmm...
• Phone talk with Jim VanStensel.. yay! (For those interested: I will be making my way down to Grand Rapids the last weekend of September.  See you then!)
• Alone time @ Borders.  Amazing.  
•  I went to get gas.  I filled up.  I went to leave.  Sadie wouldn't start.  Seriously.
  
• Some very friendly guys worked on my car until it started again.  Nice guys.  Thanks, guys. (I'll be asking for jumper cables for my birthday, this year.  Although, a jump wasn't what I needed this time, it'd still be a good idea. Hopefully my car will hold out for the weekend)  I really enjoy the fact that my car wouldn't start and I was stranded and I still enjoyed the process and am still having a greeat day.  =)
• I've been getting lots of compliments on my hair, presentation, (clothes, looks), name and personality, lately.  It's not something I typically experience, but I'm to the point where I can smile and appreciate the words rather than ducking from them.  
• Good conversation with Aza.  Twice so far this week. =)
• Finished a book today.  Took life in stride.  Breathed.  Enjoyed.  Existed.
• Sad thing of the day: Parker leaves for Chicago at 6am Saturday.  This is truly sad.

Cynicism, Anyone? Ah, yes! And Hope.

As is my custom, I've been deep in thought. A couple nights ago (Wednesday?) Aza and I were sitting downtown writing. It was pretty late; the sun asleep for a several hours, at that point. But there we sat. I love sitting downtown at night. I love the lights and the character of the old buildings, casting shadows; each one telling a story. I was trying to write and was stuck, so he suggested I write about the building I had just admired, what I would do if I owned it. Normally, this task is an easy one. I dream often and big.

Once, while sitting in downtown Grand Rapids with Megan, Heather, and Lindsey, I turned a building into a life-skills center with state-of-the-art kitchens, vintage art studios, and a technology center, with the upper floor renovated into four studio flats, providing free housing for the 8 full-time staff that worked there. On the roof there were gardens and seating and a labyrinth. Sound cool? Yeah, that's what's (formerly) always trapsing through my mind.

But I haven't dreamt in a while. And when Aza asked me to write about the building with character practically yelling at me to take note and record, other voices, voices of fear, doubt, and pain, grew to a deafening level. I finished my three pages I try to write daily, but it wasn't about the Beattle Building (I believe that's the name of the building). When I explained this to Aza, I added, "But I don't think you really mind."

"I do," he said, much to my surprise.
"Why?" I inquired.
"I haven't heard any of your dreams in a long time."

I was stunned. I knew I had stopped dreaming, but I hadn't realized that anyone had noticed their absence, let alone missed them.

Life can be cruel. And if we're not careful the ups and downs and curveballs and suckerpunches and disappointments and disillusionments that life offers so generously can quench the resilence that defines, at least in part, the human spirit.

From here I will journey. Forwards. Backwards. Inwards. Outwards. I must continue on, dancing with the great, mysterious, creative order that sustains the world around me.

No Chicago. Instead: Flowers!

Well, I'm not in Chicago. *sadness* And although I'm sad, I had a childhood that required me to bend, flex, and adapt at a moment's notice. So, I'm almost over it. Maybe.

My friend Jess took me out to lunch today. And she bought me flowers!! It was most exciting! We had been talking about getting flowers a couple days ago and I've never had someone just randomly get me flowers, so she surprised me today! How sweet is that!?

K, I'm done.

the rules to relax/refocus
1. Breathe.
2. Breathe again.
3. Pray.
4. Begin again. And again. And maybe again.

=)

Breathing,

Asher

Why I Enjoy Skillet...

I love Skillet. They've continued to create amazing melodies and lyrics. The third video was one of their first songs, The first and second is off their most recent album. I've very much an eclectic music enjoyer. But I tend to default to the style of music I grew up around. Rock. Like Bon Jovi. At 5 or so I knew all his lyrics and was asking for Bon Jovi stuff for my birthday... Anyway... some skillet goodness.







And for good measure: some Anathallo. The band Lindsey and I are heading to Chicago to see. Pray for our safe travels there and especially back, as we won't be partaking of much sleep this weekend before returning to work. This song is "Hanasakajiji Four: A Great Wind More Ash"


And because it's fun =)

Camping Pics

Fred, aka Bob, the Chipmunk

Sunset through the trees over the water... from our campsite


Me...

Me again


Kristin








One more of K-to-the-ristin

Home before Midnight

For the first time in a week. It's weird. But the recently acquired accountability is good for reminding me of many things... going to bed being one of them.

I'm looking for something real. Something that inspires. Seen it anywhere? Because apparently I've gone from being super worried about all things... to lackadaisical about the things that "matter." Just a thought.

In other news, I finished my messenger bag today! woot woot! I reeeaaallly like it. It was definitely a learning experience, though. There are definitely easier ways to do what I accomplished... but being that I taught myself it's okay. Besides, I learn best by doing and experimenting... not theory. It's far from perfect. And that's okay because it doesn't need to be!

I'm looking at another cross-country move... maybe. If I don't get the job at Keswick, or another strong lead in Michigan, by October-November I'll be on the move. Mostly because I won't have anywhere to live, but also because Traverse City doesn't have the resources I need to "move forward." Its pretty cool that I actually want to move. Definitely proof that I've grown and healed since NH.

One of my move options is California. This is a very real possiblity. A friend of mine, Lindsey, hopes to move out there by fall and we figure it'll be easier to make the move together. I can transfer with Old Navy and look for another job when I get there and she's on the prowel now. The other move option is Georgia. One of the coolest YPs there is (Drew!) lives out there with his family now. I was an intern for his youth ministry in Grand Rapids but he remains a great friend and spiritual guide. I'm not sure how immediate of a possibility that is, though. And there's also Chicago. But the most possible one is California, oddly enough. We'll see. If there's one thing I've learned over the past year it's not to count on anything until it is happening and to not hold on to it too tightly because life is very fluid.

I'm going to bed now. I think I could sleep for a week... but I'll settle for 11 hours =)

Peace

Asher

Tired and Awake

Last night was a fairly rough one. A friend came around and started picking fights. I sincerely sought to diffuse the situation, to bring peace and understanding. It didn't go so well and things got more out of hand than I'm okay with. A good friend of mine in Grand Rapids encouraged me this evening, telling me that given the circumstances it appears I was seeking to make good choices with the right goal... and that sometimes things like this happen. (paraphrased and condensed)

And while such encouragment is comforting, I find myself tirelessly mulling over what happened and asking myself, "What happened? What did I miss/not pick up on? How could I have handled myself differently?" I'm also forcing myself to answer questions like, "What did I do well? What did I pick on?" etc. in hopes that I don't get stuck in a rut of condemnation, be it from myself or anyone else. Needless to say, I got about 6 hrs of sleep on Sat night, went nonstop for 21 hrs yesterday, and then got about 4-5hrs of sleep last night. Today was a good day, though.

I was awoke by my girl Elysia who came over after her appointment with the Doctor to check on the baby. :-) Good times. I find much solace in our time together. I then spent some quality time with my partner in crime at the Well, Jess. We processed last night's events together, ate pizza, and then drove around the Penninsula. Fun times.

I'm going to try this sleep thing again. Hopefully take 3 for the day will bring rest and peace.